Elective Decisions

Washington—In what could only be described as an extreme tactic, the GOP has threatened the Democrats and Nancy Pelosi, D-CA, if there is no vote on offshore drilling.  The move is being led by House Minority leader, John Boehner, R-OH.

Boehner has had to deal with delay after delay from House Democrats since June, and has been unable to get a vote on offshore drilling.  This move represents the last efforts of the Republican minority to bring relief to the American people.

With the Democratic Party unwilling to vote on any meaningful legislation on behalf of the American people, John Boehner and House Republicans were forced into intimidating Democrats via a memo circulated to the GOP caucus.

In the memo, Boehner urged his members to vote against the August recess, including “threatening and intimidating” House Democrats “with bodily harm” until a vote is made on offshore drilling.

“They can stay here till hell freezes over,” fired Rep. Boehner.  “I’m sick of these liberals.  If it were up to me, I’d open up a can of whip ass on Nancy Pelosi!  That witch needs to go!”

“I think Representative Boehner is dead on,” quipped Senator Mitch McConnell, R-KY.  “It’s completely apparent that Democrats don’t give a crap about America.  I hope Boehner makes them sit there until they defecate on themselves.”

“Serving in the first Bush administration,” noted Charles A. James, Vice President and General Counsel for Chevron, “I know just how little the Democratic Party cares when it comes to America.  And I can’t help but laugh when I think about Nancy Pelosi urinating on herself.”

It’s obvious to many Americans at just how stupid the Democratic Party has become.  This has left Rep. John Boehner no other choice but to threaten and intimidate House Democrats until they vote on the record, showing how much of an ass they’re making of themselves.

Hollywood, CA—Hollywood, endorsed by Rolling Stone Magazine, has put out a new Muslim-based product that is facing some resistance.  The product—Rock Me Sexy Mohammed T-Shirts—were created in response to the new “Rock Me Sexy Jesus” gear that has become the rage in America.

The “Rock Me Sexy Jesus” gear, a line of products from the release of the film, Hamlet 2, has become loved across the nation, even showing up as ring tones for phones.  The ring tone mirrors the musical hit, “Rock Me Sexy Jesus,” the driving force behind the product line.

So, as not to appear religiously intolerant, Hollywood ramped up their efforts to produce the Rock Me Sexy Mohammed T-Shirts.  However, the move created a backlash across the Muslim world, with t-shirt sales taking an unexpected downward turn and falling flat.

With Hamlet 2 now in theaters, it was a foregone conclusion that Mohammed would not be excluded from the comedic genius.  Although he wasn’t mentioned in the film, he has been placed on his own line of merchandise.

“I’m not really pleased with the comedy but I guess I must go with it,” stated Mohammed Bin Mollah. “America can make fun of anyone. Mohammed is not excluded.”

“It made sure to take shots at Christians, gays, Latinos, Jews, the American Civil Liberties Union and Elizabeth Shue,” stated David Halbfinger of The New York Times.  “However, assaulting Mohammed like this is beyond the pale.  What will our enemies think?”

“Uh…uh…uh…this is not how you bring the world together,” stammered Senator Barack Obama, D-IL.  “We are…uh…all citizens…uh…of the world, and garb…uh…like this don’t do America any justice.  It is just another reminder of why we’re hated across the globe.”

“I don’t care who complains about the new product line,” fired Daniel Zatorra, President of Marketing for Focus Features.  “I’ll pull the line when monkeys fly out of my butt!”

“This isn’t the only thing we’re working on,” noted John Marcus, VP of Marketing at Focus Features.  “We’re taking this as far as it can go.  Our next line will be Rock Me Sexy Moses T-Shirts for the Jewish population.”

With tempers flaring and sales dropping, it’s only a matter of time before Hollywood must act on the Rock Me Sexy Mohammed T-Shirts, insuring they don’t become a victim of the tolerant religion of peace.

St. Louis—In what could be the biggest disaster since Hurricane Katrina, Budweiser—after being sold to Belgian based InBev—has immediately plans to change the formulation for their beer.  The change comes to reflect a European style of beer, giving it a more “fruitier and nuttier taste,” a veritable Bud “spritzer.”

The beer, known to the common working class man, will now appeal to the most erudite of Americans.  The “King Of Beers” will indeed have a flavor made for a king, flushing years of perfection down the toilet.

The new owners will likely remove the “overseas” flavor to fit the taste of Europe they’re looking for.  “It’s no secret they use rice in the recipe,” quipped Belgian beer expert, Joris Pattyn.  “It’s damn near Saki now.  It’s time for an overhaul.  The bully Americans will just have to adapt.  The bottom line is the Americans and their beer suck.” 

“These darn Frenchies waited until Dale Earnhardt, Jr. got out of his contract with Budweiser to do this,” fired Jim Bunning, a 42-year old mechanic in Tuscaloosa, Alabama.  “This wasn’t a coincidence.  It was precise timing.  I say to hell with them, and their fruits and nuts!”

“I can’t wait to see the new Budweiser showcased over the NASCAR winners,” stated Carlito Brito, InBev’s Vice President of Marketing.

And according to analysts, such as Kris Krippers, the name of Budweiser may have seen its end as well.  “The new owners have been floating names such as ‘Morning Dew,’ or ‘Bouquet de Bud.’  This will be as good for America as Anthony Kennedy has been for the Supreme Court.”

“This is a travesty,” fired Missouri Governor, Matt Blunt.  “The last thing we need is Euro-scum invading our country.  It would’ve been nice if August A. Busch IV had a little more intestinal fortitude.  He disgusts me!”

The buyout by InBev has rocked America, making many wonder if August A. Busch IV has destroyed yet another American tradition.  And at the end of a hard day, whether you fix cars, mow lawns, or clean houses, it’s obvious that all Americans will learn the phrase, “It’s Miller time!”

Denver—With the Democratic National Convention approaching, it appears that Denver will stop at nothing to get the homeless off the streets during the convention.  The actions have created a swarm of homeless to descend upon the city.

Some of the ideas being floated by Denver city officials include sending the homeless to the movies, to the zoo, and even sequestering them in local homeless shelters.

Lately though, a couple of new ideas have surfaced.  One involves busing the Denver homeless to Pacific Bell Park in San Francisco to watch the three game series between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants.  The other is compromised of sending the homeless to the spa of their choosing.

The Colorado Coalition for the Homeless (CCH) are the chief architects behind the new ideas.  They plan on getting as much for the homeless, feeling it’s time for society to step up and help those in need.

Jon Parvensky, President of the CCH, is insistent that the city do something, rather than harass, which, according to him, is the customary form of behavior.

“We need to take care of homeless,” insisted Parvensky.  “I just want them somewhere they can be without being harassed.  Besides, the taxpayers of Denver owe it to them.”

“This just sounds like another way to get rid of them,” quipped Kayne Coy, a 17-year old that feeds the homeless through the Food Not Bombs organization.  “Can’t we all just get along?  Can’t we make love not war?”

Linda Stiles, a drifter for many years, has heard the rumors. “Did Mayor Hickenlooper say that there were NO homeless people in Denver? Well, me and plenty of my friends are about to change that! He needs to see real homeless people up close. Warm up the veggies and TV – we’re comin’ in! Denver in August? Who needs a shelter?”

Bill Shamansky of Topeka’s Wonderland Tours said, “We’re used to busing folks into Branson. Our fees have gone up since gas reached $4. In these tight times, fewer people are willing to fork over the cash to see Jim Stafford or Andy Williams. Most of our fleet has been parked for a while now. We thought we would go under. Ever since Denver started offering up free HDTV and organic food, we’re seeing folks selling all they have for a ticket. It doesn’t matter to me – I go both ways. Heck, if things look good, I just may stay.”

“I’m headed to Denver,” stated Mary Pershing, a 51-year old homeless lady in Los Angeles, California.  “I’m going to live high on the hog off the taxpayers of Denver.  It’s about time.”

“I haven’t seen a movie in years,” claimed Jimmy Perzinsky, a 47-year old homeless person from Raleigh, North Carolina.  “Next stop…Denver, Colorado!”

“This is a time when the Democratic Party will come together,” noted Barack Obama, D-IL. “The last thing I want to see is an entire city of homeless people doing without. Making them full and happy is the goal of every Democrat. We’ll start with five loaves of bread, two fish and plenty of television and go from there. It isn’t called a party for nothing.”

With the weight of the full power of the Democratic Party coming down on Denver, it is certain that the homeless will not raise a stink during the convention.

Below is a satire I wrote on Mark Levin, a great Constitutional lawyer and conservative.  He brings great legal expertise and a clear, conservative voice to his radio program.  He is “The Great One,” and if you haven’t picked up Men In Black or Rescuing Sprite, you should do so.  Supporting conservatives like this, is as important to liberty as is limited government.  It was originally published in Men’s News Daily on February 16, 2005, and will give you something to read while awaiting the next satirical masterpiece.

Who does this punk, Mark Levin, think he is? Just where does this racist, sexist, homophobic, conservative pig thinks he gets off in writing a book. Not only is he a fascist, but he’s a complete and utter moron, espousing the views of the conservative fruitcakes. Bad enough that this lunatic has daily tirades on 77 WABC radio, but the hate monger has released a new book, Men in Black. Thanks to the fascists at Regnery Publishing, we’re being subjected to more of the right wing attack machine and Levin’s asinine statements regarding the Supreme Court of the United States. Worst of all, the forward was written by Rush Limbaugh, the personification of conservative evil.

In an interview with Kathryn Jean Lopez of National Review on February 1, 2005, Mark Levin begins a bombastic rant and talks about his book. “When judges or, my book’s focus—Supreme Court justices—act without authority, and do so with impunity, that’s tyranny,” Levin said. “When justices seize authority from the other branches of the federal government, as well as state and local governments under the rubric of judicial review, that’s tyranny.”

It is this kind of misconception that is an example of stupidity in conservatism today. It’s become completely apparent that not only doesn’t Levin know what he’s talking about, but he’s completely confused about the U.S. Constitution. Mark continued this idiocy with even more egregious statements. “This behavior frustrates and disenfranchises the American people and thwarts representative government. I have no doubt the Framers would view the Court’s behavior in this regard as tyrannical. If we’re going to address the problem, we should have the courage to call it what it is.”

This is utter nonsense and shows the lack of intellectual capacity of today’s imbeciles, known as conservatives. No, Mr. Levin, tyranny is a publisher allowing a book like this to be read to children. Tyranny is going to war for oil, occupying Iraq while innocent women and children die. Tyranny is suppressing the vote in Ohio and subverting the Constitution. Tyranny is having talk radio hosts like Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, Laura Ingraham and Mark Levin, not being allowed to use the Fairness Doctrine to keep them off the air. That’s tyranny and that’s the sad state of affairs in today’s Red State America, known as “Redneck America,” affectionately coined by Congressman Charles Rangel, one of our fine Democratic leaders.

We’re here to fight, fight until the battle is won. We’ll fight in Iowa, in New Hampshire, in Oregon, in Washington, in California, in Minnesota, in Florida, in South Dakota and in New York. In other words, we’re going back to Washington to take back the White House!

We’re here to win the minds and hearts of the American people. To make them see the error of their ways. We have no choice. Our ideology and base of power depends on it. We must stop Sean Hannity’spread of ignorance and bigotry. We must bring down Rush Limbaugh, “the most dangerous man in America” and the advancement of conservatism. We must keep these conservatives from spreading their lies and doing any further damage to our “New Deal.” We must make America embrace the ideals of Lenin and Marx. We must execute the ideas of these so-called “patriots” with extreme prejudice. We their party and their constituents!

We have operatives everywhere. We have them in Costco, Sam’s Club, and Barnes and Noble. We have them on Amazon.com, giving reviews for a typical fascist and right wing fanatic. We have them in bookstores everywhere, making sure the book is hidden in the back of the store. We must stop this book at every corner. We must avoid discussing it or helping conservatives to order it. We must cold cock Mark Levin and his demonic radio show.

Americans must see through men like Mark Levin, Rush Limbaugh, Mark Belling, Michael Medved, and Walter Williams—another man that has sold out his brotherhood and his soul. We’ve got to stand up to these conservative writers—Ann Coulter, Michelle Malkin, and Laura Ingraham—and let them know just where we want the country to go. We know the people of America are far too stupid to run this country. They are ignorant sheep guided by conservatives in talk radio.

Remember, we are the party of inclusion. We are the party that can make a difference, not Mark Levin and his rants, a man that titles himself”The Great One,” a narcissist at best. We are the party that classifies all people into groups. We’re the people that understand minorities need a helping hand, knowing they couldn’t possibly make it in America on their own. We’re the kind of Americans that believe women have been exploited, and that women like Laura Schlessinger are disgusting for telling them to stay home and raise children.

How dare she insult the women of America? How dare she sell out her sisterhood? How dare she claim they bond with their children, and become a wonderful mother, wife, and lover? We believe that a woman’s right to choose is what matters most. We believe that feminism is the key to a woman’s independence, because we hate heterosexual, white men. For us, heterosexual, conservative, angry, white men are to blame for all that’s wrong in the world.

We are the party that claims to be for the working man while raising their taxes. We are the people that advocate for the poor, offering them money instead of solutions, and cleanse our guilty consciences when we go home to our mansions on Nantucket, Beacon Hill, and Hollywood. We are the men and women that offer you an unemployment check rather than offering a job. We believe in keeping America divided, but castigate conservatives for their “lack of unity.”

Our finest men and women are CEO’s, editors, and reporters at the New York Times, Simon & Schuster, Random House, Disney and CNN. Our press operates under the First Amendment, promotes the fondest of our ideals, and claims to be objective. Our best and brightest are Dan Rather, Tom Brokaw, Peter Jennings and Eason Jordan. We rebuke conservatism as an archaic ideology filled with sexist, racist, homophobic, hysterical behavior.

We detest bloggers, the New Media and Free Republic most of all—an insane asylum full of conservative news, views and good old-fashioned Americanism. Their repugnant behavior and their dictator, Jim Robinson, have toppled a once dominated media empire. We will forever label all of them as angry, ignorant bigots.

Thanks to Mark Levin’s rants, we are now threatened by losing our stranglehold on the U.S. Supreme Court. We have had an iron grip on education for forty years, the grip that is slowly slipping on colleges and universities everywhere, as these nefarious conservative organizations continue to grow. It’s a repugnant disease that we must stomp out.

Yet, never forget that we love you, want to protect you, and keep your children from harm by micromanaging every aspect of your life. We will say whatever it takes to discredit Mark Levin, Rush Limbaugh, Laura Ingraham, Ann Coulter, Michael Medved, David Limbaugh, Walter Williams and any conservative that threatens our ideology. We are socialists, choking in our own hypocrisy, having no other options left, and in the greatest of our ideals, we are imploding.

We must end Mark Levin’s tyrannical tirades, for he is destroying our ideals, our way of life, our party and our ideology.

New York—Despite the fake birth certificate scare, and the alleged “whitey” tape, it appears that new information has surfaced, creating a possible Nagasaki for Barack Obama and his campaign.

John Landenbocker, from Landenbocker Associates, is a professional genealogist that has successfully linked slave blood to former President Bill Clinton.  It has reportedly taken years to discover the dark truth, but since Senator Hillary Clinton, D-NY, entered the race for President, Landenbocker was forced to ramp up his efforts.

The official announcement will be forthcoming on Friday, August 1, 2008, when the results from the DNA testing expect to authenticate Landenbocker’s work.

“Mrs. Clinton had me begin this work after Bill was dubbed the ‘First Black President,’” claimed Landenbocker.  “It appears that now may just be the case, hearing the rumors of ‘Uncle Josephus,’ and now knowing he was actually Bill Clinton’s great-great-great grandfather.”

The official results could cripple the Obama campaign, having survived assault after assault by Bill and Hillary Clinton.  This is sure to endear Bill and Hillary Clinton once again to the Democratic Party.

“This was a difficult project,” noted Landenbocker.  “There were never any pictures of Clinton’s great-great-great grandfather.  And suddenly, there it was, in the back of an old family bible—a dusty, black and white photo.  On the back of the photo it simply read ‘Daddy Josephus.’”

Landenbocker will present the photo at the press conference in August, as well as the details of his full report on Bill Clinton’s lineage, and other corroborating evidence.

“I had no idea I’ve been sleeping with a black man all these years,” stated Hillary Clinton, “If I had known this earlier, this could’ve changed the entire campaign!”

“I can’t believe that I actually have slave blood in me,” remarked Chelsea Clinton.  “I’ve been looking for a better position at work.  Once this gets on my resume, they’ll have no choice but to give me that position.  I’m movin’ on up, baby!  This is better than having your parents pull strings, or even having a presidential father!”

If the DNA tests indeed confirm Landenbocker’s work as authentic, then it is all over for Barack Obama.  With no experience, no ties to slavery, or the civil rights movement, one must ponder how he can connect with today’s black America.

CINCUSOC, Rush Limbaugh

Below is an essay I wrote back in May in the middle of phase I of Operation Chaos.  It now applies again, having been given new edicts form CINCUSOC, Rush Limbaugh.  I thought it time to remind people exactly why we have Operation Chaos, and what it means to America again.

Make no mistake. Rush Limbaugh is “The Passion.” He is the passion of conservatism, the very pulse bounding through the veins of a nation. He produces conservative life with every heartbeat of his show, shaking the very foundations of liberalism.

He follows in the footsteps of giants, such as George Washington and Ronald Reagan, promoting the ideals of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. He broadcasts affectionately trying to steer growing government towards the ideals of the U.S. Constitution.

It has been four years since I wrote that essay, an essay that was necessary in supporting of a man that had wolves nipping at his heels, most of which came from his own party, gleefully reported by the media that still loves to hate him.

But he continued to broadcast, boldly pronouncing the lies of liberals while asserting daily doses of the truth, a conservative truth. His indefatigable love of America gave him the strength to keep going, growing by leaps and bounds above all others.

Rush Limbaugh was back, and he continued to carry the torch of liberty, waging a war against those that would enslave Americans with growing government. He battled the lies and corruption at his doorstep, standing stronger than ever before.

Now he wages war in two different theatres. In one theater, he battles against an enemy that wishes to destroy America through asinine policies of excessive spending, growing government and socialism.

In the other theater, he faces an “insurgent” threat within his own party—a party, that in the 1920’s, ran on a platform against the League of Nations, high tariffs and a promotion of business interests.

This is the same party—the GOP—that between 1860 and 1932 allowed the Democratic Party to control the White House in only sixteen of those years, and it is the same Republican Party that embraced the principles of conservatism after Franklin Roosevelt’s election in 1932, aligning itself against the socialism of The New Deal.

After Roosevelt took office in 1933, ten Republicans in the senate lost seats, leaving the Republican Party with only 25 seats in the U.S. Senate. With an overwhelming majority in Congress, The Social Security Act of 1935 was passed despite the claims that it created class warfare, socialism and defied American tradition.

In 1936, the Republican Party split into two factions—the Herbert Hoover conservatives and the Alf Landon moderates. The Landon moderates, supporters of New Deal programs, defeated the Hoover conservatives, and only carried two states in the Roosevelt landslide with his moderate campaign. The landslide resulted in further losses for Republicans in the U.S. Congress with only 16 senators and 88 representatives to fight the New Deal coalition.

However, a new conservative coalition emerged in 1940, mixing alienated conservative Democrats with conservative Republicans through The America First movement. This was a movement that attacked the inefficiencies of the New Deal and a breaking of a third term for Roosevelt by putting America First. Republicans no longer ran a moderate campaign and picked up even more seats in Congress in the 1942 midterm election.

The Republican Party remained split into its liberal wing and conservative wing, taking it decades to make the South solid again, breaking the stranglehold the Democratic Party once held. It was broken by Senator Barry Goldwater in 1964.

But it wasn’t until 1980 when the realignment for America began, and by 1984, Ronald Reagan had removed the last traces of the New Deal, except the Social Security entitlement. The clear and concise conservative leadership of Ronald Reagan allowed Republicans to hold the White House for twenty of those twenty-eight intervening year.

It was only the moderate Republican, George H.W. Bush, which allowed eight years of Bill and Hillary Clinton through his increased taxation and lack of aggressive foreign policy in the Cold War.

Now, Alf Landon is running again, and this time in the form of Senator John McCain—a decidedly moderate Republican. A Republican that hasn’t seen a spending bill he doesn’t like. His indecisive leadership and liberal policies of appeasement will likely lead to further losses in the U.S. Congress.

We stand again at a crossroads, facing another contest between socialism and moderate Republicanism. Another Democratic candidate has more New Deal policies to offer us, and after 76 years, the moderate wing of the GOP has still yet to learn that conservatism and Americanism are inseparably connected.

For most of the country, it is not in our nature to hate the very country that has given us the freedom we so happily enjoy. We are not built for it, and we will not tolerate it. We love America and the spoils we work so hard to achieve. We love those that are willing to promote those ideals that allow us to succeed.

In short, we love freedom. It has made this country the greatest in the world, and it will continue to keep us the lone superpower. Regardless of who is in the White House, we will continue to promote conservative ideals to offer as a choice for Americans. In the end, we will win through to absolute victory, and we will aggressively advance our agenda with a zeal found only by those that love this great country.

It will not take decades, but it will return even stronger to once again vanquish the Alf Landon moderates of the GOP. It is with that confidence and with “Operation Chaos” that I am assured of its return.

I do not say this with any measure of hope. I say it with certainty. I say it with a bravado that was given to me by a man that made his television debut with a blue dot in front of his face.

I say it with the confidence and optimism of a Dittohead that is witnessing a historic event, an event which will guarantee the return of a stronger, more enduring conservatism. A conservatism bathed in the fires of its love of country, and those that drive it—the American people.

No, it will not take decades to regain control of the Grand Old Party, or eliminate the socialism that is likely to occur under a McCain, Obama or Clinton presidency.

If “Operation Chaos” does nothing else, it has shed the spotlight on the hatred of America in the Democratic Party, and the liberal policies of moderate Republicanism. It has made it very clear of what Americans are likely to endure in the next four years. But it has also enabled us to look to the future with an unprecedented optimism.

History is replete with wisdom, keeping in mind that in today’s modern era, nothing lasts forever, and with “Operation Chaos” conservatism will be had again. As Ronald Reagan looks down, I’m sure he’s smiling at every turn of “Operation Chaos.”

I have never been more optimistic than I am right now. With Rush on the radio, I continue to conquer day after day, living in conservative principles, consumed with the fiery notion of the gift of conservatism.

I rebuke liberalism and moderate Republicanism with special thanks to Rush Hudson Limbaugh III. I eagerly await another broadcast day of “The Passion,” the historical event, and the necessary nature of “Operation Chaos.”

Below is a satire I wrote a couple of months ago with the help of another brilliant conservative, whose humor, wit and intelligence cannot be understated.  It was indeed a masterpiece, and I would be remissed at taking complete credit for something that I alone did not create.

Hollywood—In what could only be referred to as a historic event, Hollywood is shutting down its doors to save “Mother Earth.” The move comes after years of trying to reach an unsympathetic Bush administration, and decades of attempts at inculcating the American populous.

The historic decision—based largely on the overwhelming evidence of the plight of polar bears, spotted owls and tropical insects—has forced the inevitable activist outcome, an outcome designed to promote a greener planet.

Over the last year, article after article has emerged, detailing the destruction to the planet via one species or another. The evidence has only fallen on the deaf ear of George W. Bush. With a new election just months away, Hollywood no longer has any belief that either Barack Obama or Hillary Clinton can win the White House.

In Hollywood’s world view, the planet is far too fragile to leave to mankind especially if those inhabiting the White House, and in Congress, are conservative, racist, sexist homophobic pigs.

“I’m not worried,” noted Alec Baldwin. “I know if McCain gets in the White House, liberals everywhere will have a friend. I think this move by Hollywood is a bit ridiculous. I can’t work for a living. Are they nuts?”

Hollywood is expected to stop making films in 2009 after the summer movie season. According to spokeswoman, Kim Birkenstock—President of PEPE (People for the Ethical Protection of the Environment)—a memo from Hollywood is to be released soon, giving the chief reasons for closing their doors.

Reportedly, the memo is to be dispatched to media outlets everywhere immediately following a meeting with Al Gore. The meeting is set up to determine which measures can be taken to rescue the Earth from humanity. The following reasons listed are expected to be:

1. Al Gore predicts that the half of America will be under water by 2022.

2. Americans can now enjoy a book again without Hollywood destroying it.

3. Electric bills will decrease by turning off many of the bright lights and cameras.

4. Gas used to get to movies will be saved, allowing families to purchase more organic foods.

5. Actors have more than enough money to retire on.

6. Eliminating awards ceremonies will decrease the carbon footprint.

7. No one really wants to arrive at the Oscars in a Toyota Prius.

8. Sushi will no longer be on the Hollywood after party menu.

9. The elimination of the controversial ratings system will be better for the children.

10. There will be no reason to go into a hot theater once air conditioning is banned.

11. There will be no good popcorn since the banning of trans fat.

12. There hasn’t been an original idea for a movie since Casablanca.

13. There are no more comic book characters to make movies about.

14. Thousands of acres of movie lots can be converted to grow corn and wheat for biofuels complete with solar and wind power devices.

15. Al Gore will actually be elected President of the United States.

16. No more writer strikes.

17. Dead-tree tabloids will stop reporting on ‘celebrities’ which will help save the rain forests.

The historic move has left many scratching their heads. It is apparent, however, that environmental revolution is in the air for Hollywood, having faced their own inconvenient truth. The message they’re sending is clear: Americans must be willing to give up everything, including their liberty, to achieve environmental nirvana.

Yet Another Bush Foreclosure

Washington—In what could be a Depression-Era disaster, Senator Chris Dodd, D-CT, fears that many will become homeless—possibly scarred—if the housing bill isn’t passed, and signed into law by President Bush.

The $300 billion mortgage bill received a vote of approval in the U.S. Senate, but the rescue may not come to starving homeowners soon, largely because the House wants to change the legislation, and Bush has threatened to veto it, leaving thousands of children without a home.

“When you wake up in the morning with a foreclosure,” cried Dodd, “you have to face your children and your spouse.  How much longer do we need to debate?  I guess long enough for people to start jumping off buildings!”

The housing bill reportedly would allow sub prime borrowers at risk of foreclosure to refinance with mortgages backed by the Federal Housing Administration.  The bill also includes $14.5 billion in tax breaks, one of which is an $8,000 credit for first time home buyers.

“We just can’t wait any longer,” whimpered Chrissy Denim, a 38-year old mother of two.  “I just couldn’t live with myself if I thought another child had to go into foster care.  When will my government rescue me?”

“Since my husband ran off with a Las Vegas show girl last fall,” balled Teri Orbacher, a 42-year old accountant, “I’ve been wishing, hoping and praying that Barack Obama will save me.  But all I’ve got is Bush to put my children on the streets.  It’s not fair.”

“It’s not hard to understand,” claimed Dodd.  “If Americans won’t pay for their neighbor’s mortgage now, I’ll make sure they do it in the best interests of the children.”

Washington—In what could be her boldest move yet, Nancy Pelosi plans to sue for the Iran missile launches.  The lawsuit comes after Tehran’s test of missiles that could hit the Jewish state.

In their attempt to flex their muscles in a show of force, Iran’s Revolutionary Guard has only incited a fiercer, more determined opponent, Nancy Pelosi, D-CA, willing to take whatever legal measures necessary to bring down the brash regime.

With the United Nations completely silent, Pelosi claims someone must step up to the plate and end this reign of tyranny.  Pelosi noted the lawsuit would work, citing the success in global courts, and in the lawsuit that struck fear in the hearts of OPEC.

“Since the Bush administration is too ignorant to tap our emergency oil reserves, and is incapable of handling terror,” fired Pelosi, “I’ll take care of more of the failed policies of the past!”

The reported lawsuit has many scrambling, including President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, who is now seeking the remaining members of O.J. Simpson’s legal team.

Senator Harry Reid has insisted that the war on terror is lost, and that now terror must be handled through the courts to put an end to it.

“The U.S. Military has been utterly disgraceful in their role in the war on terror,” insisted Reid.  “I’d much rather fund lawyers than troops.”

No matter what the outcome, it is certain that Nancy Pelosi, D-CA, will undoubtedly make the United States of America a superpower in the courts.