Hollywood To Shut Down To Save Planet
Below is a satire I wrote a couple of months ago with the help of another brilliant conservative, whose humor, wit and intelligence cannot be understated. It was indeed a masterpiece, and I would be remissed at taking complete credit for something that I alone did not create.
Hollywood—In what could only be referred to as a historic event, Hollywood is shutting down its doors to save “Mother Earth.” The move comes after years of trying to reach an unsympathetic Bush administration, and decades of attempts at inculcating the American populous.
The historic decision—based largely on the overwhelming evidence of the plight of polar bears, spotted owls and tropical insects—has forced the inevitable activist outcome, an outcome designed to promote a greener planet.
Over the last year, article after article has emerged, detailing the destruction to the planet via one species or another. The evidence has only fallen on the deaf ear of George W. Bush. With a new election just months away, Hollywood no longer has any belief that either Barack Obama or Hillary Clinton can win the White House.
In Hollywood’s world view, the planet is far too fragile to leave to mankind especially if those inhabiting the White House, and in Congress, are conservative, racist, sexist homophobic pigs.
“I’m not worried,” noted Alec Baldwin. “I know if McCain gets in the White House, liberals everywhere will have a friend. I think this move by Hollywood is a bit ridiculous. I can’t work for a living. Are they nuts?”
Hollywood is expected to stop making films in 2009 after the summer movie season. According to spokeswoman, Kim Birkenstock—President of PEPE (People for the Ethical Protection of the Environment)—a memo from Hollywood is to be released soon, giving the chief reasons for closing their doors.
Reportedly, the memo is to be dispatched to media outlets everywhere immediately following a meeting with Al Gore. The meeting is set up to determine which measures can be taken to rescue the Earth from humanity. The following reasons listed are expected to be:
1. Al Gore predicts that the half of America will be under water by 2022.
2. Americans can now enjoy a book again without Hollywood destroying it.
3. Electric bills will decrease by turning off many of the bright lights and cameras.
4. Gas used to get to movies will be saved, allowing families to purchase more organic foods.
5. Actors have more than enough money to retire on.
6. Eliminating awards ceremonies will decrease the carbon footprint.
7. No one really wants to arrive at the Oscars in a Toyota Prius.
8. Sushi will no longer be on the Hollywood after party menu.
9. The elimination of the controversial ratings system will be better for the children.
10. There will be no reason to go into a hot theater once air conditioning is banned.
11. There will be no good popcorn since the banning of trans fat.
12. There hasn’t been an original idea for a movie since Casablanca.
13. There are no more comic book characters to make movies about.
14. Thousands of acres of movie lots can be converted to grow corn and wheat for biofuels complete with solar and wind power devices.
15. Al Gore will actually be elected President of the United States.
16. No more writer strikes.
17. Dead-tree tabloids will stop reporting on ‘celebrities’ which will help save the rain forests.
The historic move has left many scratching their heads. It is apparent, however, that environmental revolution is in the air for Hollywood, having faced their own inconvenient truth. The message they’re sending is clear: Americans must be willing to give up everything, including their liberty, to achieve environmental nirvana.
