Elective Decisions

New York—Despite the fake birth certificate scare, and the alleged “whitey” tape, it appears that new information has surfaced, creating a possible Nagasaki for Barack Obama and his campaign.

John Landenbocker, from Landenbocker Associates, is a professional genealogist that has successfully linked slave blood to former President Bill Clinton.  It has reportedly taken years to discover the dark truth, but since Senator Hillary Clinton, D-NY, entered the race for President, Landenbocker was forced to ramp up his efforts.

The official announcement will be forthcoming on Friday, August 1, 2008, when the results from the DNA testing expect to authenticate Landenbocker’s work.

“Mrs. Clinton had me begin this work after Bill was dubbed the ‘First Black President,’” claimed Landenbocker.  “It appears that now may just be the case, hearing the rumors of ‘Uncle Josephus,’ and now knowing he was actually Bill Clinton’s great-great-great grandfather.”

The official results could cripple the Obama campaign, having survived assault after assault by Bill and Hillary Clinton.  This is sure to endear Bill and Hillary Clinton once again to the Democratic Party.

“This was a difficult project,” noted Landenbocker.  “There were never any pictures of Clinton’s great-great-great grandfather.  And suddenly, there it was, in the back of an old family bible—a dusty, black and white photo.  On the back of the photo it simply read ‘Daddy Josephus.’”

Landenbocker will present the photo at the press conference in August, as well as the details of his full report on Bill Clinton’s lineage, and other corroborating evidence.

“I had no idea I’ve been sleeping with a black man all these years,” stated Hillary Clinton, “If I had known this earlier, this could’ve changed the entire campaign!”

“I can’t believe that I actually have slave blood in me,” remarked Chelsea Clinton.  “I’ve been looking for a better position at work.  Once this gets on my resume, they’ll have no choice but to give me that position.  I’m movin’ on up, baby!  This is better than having your parents pull strings, or even having a presidential father!”

If the DNA tests indeed confirm Landenbocker’s work as authentic, then it is all over for Barack Obama.  With no experience, no ties to slavery, or the civil rights movement, one must ponder how he can connect with today’s black America.