Elective Decisions

St. Louis—In what could be the biggest disaster since Hurricane Katrina, Budweiser—after being sold to Belgian based InBev—has immediately plans to change the formulation for their beer.  The change comes to reflect a European style of beer, giving it a more “fruitier and nuttier taste,” a veritable Bud “spritzer.”

The beer, known to the common working class man, will now appeal to the most erudite of Americans.  The “King Of Beers” will indeed have a flavor made for a king, flushing years of perfection down the toilet.

The new owners will likely remove the “overseas” flavor to fit the taste of Europe they’re looking for.  “It’s no secret they use rice in the recipe,” quipped Belgian beer expert, Joris Pattyn.  “It’s damn near Saki now.  It’s time for an overhaul.  The bully Americans will just have to adapt.  The bottom line is the Americans and their beer suck.” 

“These darn Frenchies waited until Dale Earnhardt, Jr. got out of his contract with Budweiser to do this,” fired Jim Bunning, a 42-year old mechanic in Tuscaloosa, Alabama.  “This wasn’t a coincidence.  It was precise timing.  I say to hell with them, and their fruits and nuts!”

“I can’t wait to see the new Budweiser showcased over the NASCAR winners,” stated Carlito Brito, InBev’s Vice President of Marketing.

And according to analysts, such as Kris Krippers, the name of Budweiser may have seen its end as well.  “The new owners have been floating names such as ‘Morning Dew,’ or ‘Bouquet de Bud.’  This will be as good for America as Anthony Kennedy has been for the Supreme Court.”

“This is a travesty,” fired Missouri Governor, Matt Blunt.  “The last thing we need is Euro-scum invading our country.  It would’ve been nice if August A. Busch IV had a little more intestinal fortitude.  He disgusts me!”

The buyout by InBev has rocked America, making many wonder if August A. Busch IV has destroyed yet another American tradition.  And at the end of a hard day, whether you fix cars, mow lawns, or clean houses, it’s obvious that all Americans will learn the phrase, “It’s Miller time!”