Elective Decisions

Alberta, Canada—With the U.S. Economy in utter free fall, Canada has decided to take the U.S. Democratic Party’s advice and stop all drilling for oil.  Despite America importing 20% of its oil from its northern neighbor, Canada has decided to turn off the tap and ship the oil in on massive tankers from foreign countries.

As Russia has threatened to put a stranglehold on Europe, Canada will now put a crimp in America’s lifestyle for the sake of Mother Earth and its environment.  The move is likely to send American markets into a deep depression.

According to Prime Minister Stephen Harper, the unexpected development is necessary for future wildlife development.  He has revealed the new Candadian motto:  “A greener Canada is a better Canada.”

“I’ve come to realize,” stated Prime Minister Harper, “that Barack Obama is right.  We can’t drill our way into prosperity.  Besides, we love caribou too—especially with potatoes, and those little tiny onions.”

“After this brilliant move,” quipped Sen. Nancy Pelosi, D-CA, “maybe Senator McCain will shut his fat mouth about drilling offshore, because it isn’t going to happen while I’m in office.”

The final straw that forced Canada’s decision was finding that oil sands extraction created three times more greenhouse gas emissions than oil shale development.  The technology forced thousands of gallons of water that became toxic ponds, instantly killing many species of birds that landed on the ponds.

“This is a brave new step in the right direction,” noted Sen. Barack Obama, D-IL.  “I only wish that the ignorant Republicans in the U.S. Congress could understand.”

“After all the oil rigs come down, hunting season will be twelve months a year,” asserted Jean Bastárd, a 37-year old Apple Computers salesman.  “I’ve always wanted to bag a caribou or polar bear.  My gun applications are in, and I’m loading up on ammunition!”

As the U.S. economy teeters on the brink of collapse, Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac will now pale in comparison to the stoppage of Canada’s oil drilling, proving once again that the U.S. Democratic Party’s ignorance doesn’t just end at America’s northern border.