Elective Decisions

Thanksgiving is here!  Many people are preparing for that feast of turkey, dressing and pumpkin pie.  Some are packing clothes and making plans for their flight or drive.  Others, though, are spending time with friends and family, recalling the fond memories of better days during their childhoods.

But most conservatives, however, are gearing up for that once a year visit from their liberal Uncle Phil or Aunt Sally.  Amidst the conversation, they’ll be forced—through dirty looks from their spouses or a gentle hand placed on the knee—to ignore the claims of the illegitimate war in Iraq and on terror.  They will grit their teeth when their liberal relative drifts down memory lane and proclaims that Franklin D. Roosevelt was the greatest President of the United States.

They’ll choke down peas, dressing and turkey as they hear the same old refrains about how everything wrong in America is Bush’s fault, and how Obama will now save it.  They’ll have that extra glass of wine when their liberal counterparts start spouting about how Roosevelt would’ve saved America as he did with the New Deal.  They’ll be subjected to endless tales of wastelands and soup lines, and how, in FDR’s infinite wisdom, he brought prosperity to the country.  They’ll also be told that Obama can create that kind of prosperity again.

And when conservatives have stomached enough, they’ll remind their liberal relatives how in the first year of the New Deal, Roosevelt proposed spending $10 billion while revenues were only $3 billion, and how, between 1933 and 1936, government expenditures rose by more than 83 percent as federal debt skyrocketed by 73 percent.

They’ll remind their relatives about how Roosevelt created the first entitlement in 1935 with Social Security, and how he strangled a free market economy with a minimum wage law in 1938, hurting the very people he was proposing to help: the poor, the unskilled and minorities, by putting them out of work.  They’ll attempt to explain how Roosevelt raised income taxes on corporate dividends, and they’ll also remind their relatives why, if F.D.R. was such a great president, it took him so long to bring the country out of depression.

And in their Thanksgiving struggle, conservatives will fail to convince their relatives, because in their relatives’ minds, FDR’s and Obama’s honor will not be impugned.  Obama, in their warped view of America, will be far too great a president and is not to be besmirched on this day of Thanksgiving, a day when there are millions of needy poor in America.  They’ll have another glass of wine as their beloved liberal lectures them on Bush spending more money on Iraq children than American children.  They’ll keep harmony until their relatives have gone home and they return to their jobs.

They’ll go to work and drive America like they always do, even in the midst of this recession.  They’ll perform at their very best while their liberal coworkers complain about how their greedy boss is sticking it to them and how he or she isn’t paying them enough.  They’ll advance up the corporate ladder, and get job after job done while their liberal coworkers are worrying about a flu pandemic.

Conservatives, in their indefatigable diligence, will keep the American economy moving, advocating for more of their own money and less government intrusion.  They’ll turn on their radios, log on the internet and call their favorite talk show hosts in support of America’s finest that are deployed across the globe.

They’ll support the war on terror, remembering the words of Patrick Henry, “If we wish to be free, if we mean to preserve inviolate those inestimable privileges for which we have been so long contending, if we mean not basely to abandon the noble struggle in which we have been so long engaged, and which we have pledged ourselves never to abandon until the glorious object of our contest shall be obtained we must fight!”

And when the Democrats start calling for a withdrawal of troops in Iraq, conservatives will remember the words of President George Washington, “Let us therefore animate and encourage each other, and show the world that a free man, contending for his liberty on his own ground, is superior to any slavish mercenary on earth.”

They’ll advocate for the Nativity scene as America nears Christmas.  They’ll suffer through liberal indignation when a Christmas tree goes up in the middle of town.  They’ll tell their children about Santa, never forgetting about the real meaning of Christmas: the birth of Jesus Christ.

When liberals are having temper tantrums about the separation of church and state, conservatives will remember the words of John Adams, “We have no government armed with power capable of contending with human passions unbridled by morality and religion. Avarice, ambition, revenge, or gallantry, would break the strongest cords of our Constitution as a whale goes through a net. Our Constitution was made only for a moral and religious people. It is wholly inadequate to the government of any other.”

Most of all, conservatives will remember the words of Daniel Webster, “God grants liberty only to those who love it, and are always ready to guard and defend it.”

It is conservatives that I am thankful for on this Thanksgiving Day, November 27, 2008, these men and women that love liberty, the men and women that use the Constitution as a guide, never forgetting its principles in their daily lives, and holding their senators and congressmen’s feet to the fire.

These conservatives come in all races, colors, creeds and worship different religions.  They are, at their very essence, the heart of America.  They perform their duties with unabashed vigor.  They represent the best America has to offer and keep coming back for more.  They come from all walks of life, and hold patriotism sacred.  They are never what the mainstream media covers, but are what America is and what it should always strive to be.  They personify every notion the Founding Fathers had for America.

They are represented by men like Rush Limbaugh—a man that execute liberal lies with impunity, brandishing an army of 20 million listeners. They are also represented by men like Sean Hannity and Mark Levin, tackling the liberal agenda with an unequaled vigor.

They are exemplified by women like Ann Coulter—an author that destroys liberal lies with her brand of conservative truth.  They are molded in men like David Limbaugh, fighting against the liberal persecution of Christianity, and in men like Tim Marvin, a business genius that only longs to return to the concepts of America’s core: conservatism.  They are best represented in the new media by Free Republic, a forum dedicated to ending socialism and tyranny’s grasp on America.

Despite now being jobless on this Thanksgiving Day, I am truly thankful for all the conservative men and women that make a difference in America.  I am most assured, because of those faithful conservatives, that America will be stronger and better in the years to come.  They should be saluted for wishing to return to the concepts of the Founding Fathers.  They should be respected and admired for admonishing liberals at every turn in the road. 

And they should be thanked for fighting the good fight, a fight to return to our American roots.

So I wish you the happiest of Thanksgivings.  My God bless you and keep you, and let his light shine upon you.  Thank you for doing what you do for America.

Chicago, IL—From the sanctuary of his Chicago office, President-elect Barack Obama, D-IL, has laid out a plan that would bail out the U.S. Government.  The proposal marks his first attempt at pushing legislation before he takes office, rescuing the federal government, while allowing the government to bail out the rest of America.

It all began with Wachovia Bank.  Now, the declining economy, and the failure of the Bush administration policies forced Obama to take charge of the country before it sinks into a deep depression filled with soup lines.

Vice President-elect Joe Biden applauded the plan, saying the measure is the kind of genius we expect to see from the Obama administration, and that “this kind of action only goes to show he has steel in his spine.”

“This man is brilliant,” added Biden.  “I’m not worthy enough to lick his boots.  I tell ya…he’s the man of steel.”

There was also bipartisan approval of the plan.  Senator John McCain, R-AZ, rushed to the cameras, declaring, “This is the kind of legislation that can save this country.  We’ve got to do something.  People are hurting out there.  I feel confident that President-elect Obama can reach across the aisle to get things done.  I can’t stress enough just how important that is in Washington.  But I’m just the kind of man you’re looking for, Mr. President.  You don’t want Hillary for Secretary of State.  You need me.  Call me.”

“The spending has been wild at times,” asserted Obama, “but we’ll still need three or four trillion dollars every year.  I know the American people will be happy to pony up.  Even though Social Security is broke.  We can fix that too…with a few patriotic donations.  You’ll be proud to be an American under my administration.”

“Sure, we’re giving money faster than we can print it,” noted Rep. Barney Frank, D-MA.  “But who is really there to help us out when times are tough?  The American taxpayer.”

“According to the debt clock, we owe a little over $10 trillion,” claimed Timothy Geithner, Obama’s future Treasury secretary.  “That’s a tad over 3.94 billion per day without the bailouts.  I believe Obama can rescue us with massive tax increases.”

The stroke of perfection that Obama has laid out leaves little uncertainty of what’s ahead.  To the American taxpayer, it will feel like they’ve just had a prostate exam, and to those who don’t pay taxes, it’ll be nirvana.

“When I’m through,” suggested Obama.  “Democrats can’t be blamed for anything.  Welfare will be taken care of, the war on poverty will be over, and Social Security will be 100% solvent.  There won’t be any need in anyone complaining.  Living in America will be as though we’ve reached Utopia.  And all of this in just four short years.”

Chicago, IL—In a stunning development to end all developments, Elective Decisions has learned that aliens have landed and met with President-elect Barack Obama, D-IL.  According to sources close to Obama, the aliens—only known as Troglodytes—have met in secret the past week, discussing their new agenda with the President-elect.

They claim to come from Planet Excreta in the Kalean Galaxy.  They reportedly say that they have monitored our elections for some time, and have waited to present themselves until “someone as charismatic and messianic as Obama was elected.”

The source, referred to as Citizen X, in the Obama camp states that aliens have come here to “present us with technology that can stop global warming, cure cancer and AIDS, as well as technological advances in alternative energies.”

“There is one proviso,” said Citizen X.  “That the aliens be allowed to harvest the human race.  These aliens were smart.  They knew that Obama was the only one willing to make these sacrifices in order to advance his agenda.  There cost is only to ask the American people to provide a list of those they can harvest.”

So, on January 20, 2009, President Barack Obama will ask all Americans to provide a list with those they are going to sacrifice.

In his inauguration speech, Obama is reportedly going to say, “Sacrifice is hard.  But we’ll all have to make sacrifices in order for real change to happen.”

I’ve got four in mind for my list right off the top of my head:

1.                  Rep. Barney Frank, D-MA

2.                  Senator Chris Dodd, D-CT

3.                  Senator Nancy Pelosi, D-CA

4.                  Senator Harry Reid, D-NV

So who’s on your list?

Washington—In a set of events that threatens to turn the Beltway upside down, President-elect Barack Obama, D-IL, has come to find that he may be at odds with the more conservative Democrat Party members—Senator Harry Reid, D-NV, and Rep. Nancy Pelosi, D-CA.

In Obama’s opinion, many on Capitol Hill just aren’t liberal enough, citing their reluctance to bailout both General Motors and Wall Street.  Obama has commented that “party members on the Hill can’t make change if they’re not willing.”

“The fundamental problem here,” explained Obama, “is that both Reid and Pelosi have been elements that prohibit the kind of change you can depend on.  This kind of legislating isn’t going to work during my administration.  They’re going to have to buckle down to make it happen.”

Obama has recently criticized both members in Congress for failing to get legislation pushed through in a timely manner, legislation that will bring the kind of change the new president is seeking.

Many from both parties have speculated that once Obama takes the White House, Rahm Emmanuel, Obama’s Chief of Staff, will be able to get thing pushed through in a much more efficient manner, implementing their new direction for America.

“This is all out war,” claimed Emmanuel.  “I will use whatever means at my disposal, including my sharp elbows, to get things done.  I’m tired of the weak leaders we have in the party today.”

“Sometimes change hurts,” added Obama.  “But what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.  Pelosi and Reid have to learn that lesson.”

Washington—In what can only be stated as incomprehensible, Phillip Morris-an operating company of Altria Group, Inc—and Halliburton have been named on a short list for a bailout.  The bailout being proposed is $1 trillion, which could make it the largest bailout in America’s history.

The two companies feel that since everyone else is getting a bailout, they should get in line for their slice of the pie as well, noting that this bailout mania “has created an incessant need for companies to stop trying to be successful.”

Chairman & CEO of Altria Group, Inc, Mike Szymanczyk, said, “The burden of a successful company has now fallen to the government, and if they wish to see more capital invested in smoking cessation clinics, then Obama better pony up.”

President and Chief Executive Officer of Halliburton, David J. Lesar, complained that Halliburton has never got a fair shake fom the U.S Government, and “this could go a long way in making up for such bad will.”

“We want a piece of the action as well,” stated Lesar.  “We took it in the shorts during the nineties.  We lost billions!  It may be time to get some of that back!  Pelosi best do what’s right, or gas prices will go so high her nose will bleed.”

“We gave these two sectors a verbal and financial beating in the past,” said Pelosi. “We can try make it right with tons of money.”

As bailout after bailout happens, it has become apparent that America is headed for the waste water treatment plant.  It must be cleansed, and only the Democratic Party appears ready to do what it can to save it.

“These financial calamities are ruining this country,” stated President-elect Barack Obama, D-IL.  “We can make the necessary changes.  It will take many sacrifices by all Americans, but we can get there.  Hope will lead the way.”

Washington—One year into his term, President Obama has announced that he will be forced to bailout his historic Carbon Credit Program that had been instituted to help reduce carbon dioxide emissions.  The sudden development comes on the heels of the unexpected announcement of a new Ice Age for Europe, Canada, the United States and Russia.

Unfortunately, many companies subscribed to the newly minted carbon credit certificates overnight, now finding their subscription to be worse than bankrupt—an oversight the Obama presidency failed to predict.

The catastrophic news came as researchers in both Britain and Canada stated that the “now-vilified greenhouse gases might help in the future to avert a chill that could smother much of Canada, Europe, the United States and Russia.”

The study—done in part at Edinburgh University—is reported to be based on tiny marine fossils and the Earth’s shifting orbit.  It did not, however, mean that the world should stop fighting the menacing human emissions that produce global warming.

“We could have the new Ice Age in 10,000 years,” said American scientist Thomas Crowley.  “But that doesn’t mean President Obama needs to push the panic button.  This is entirely unwarranted.  Carbon credits are good.”

As the noose tightens, Obama will have to issue the bailout credit along with the carbon certificate, suitable only for framing in the corporate office—the only residual value left.

And, as usual, companies that pay their CEO’s more than $250,000 will not be eligible for the bailout credit, which is unfortunate for Joseph Wurzelbacher and his new plumbing business.

A despondent Joe said, “I gotta pay 75K for the certificates I needed to install heating systems. The gubermint says I can’t pass along the cost to my customers but now I can’t sell the certificates as promised, either. That was how this whole program was sold to the American people. Now I have to eat the whole deal. I’m moving to Alaska.”

“People are hurting out there,” claimed President Obama, “and if we don’t bail this program out now, it could result in financial catastrophe.”

Tell it to Joe, Mr. President.

Conceptual hat tip goes to NonValueAdded.

Minneapolis—Miracles happen every day, but nothing more spectacular than the miracle that is developing in Minnesota—giving Al Franken what could be an insurmountable lead in his bid for the U.S. Senate.

What was the astounding miracle?  Simple.  Five-thousand votes have been found in a toilet at the Mall of America—the mall that sits next to the Minneapolis/St. Paul Airport, and is part of the hub of the thriving Minneapolis/St. Paul communities.

The votes were discovered at 9:30 p.m. on Thursday, November 13, 2008, by security guard Cedric Bankston.  Bankston, the security supervisor, was reportedly making his final rounds when he discovered the ballots crammed in the restroom’s toilet.

“It was like this,” Bankston stated.  “I was making my final rounds…what I do every night.  We have to check the restrooms to make sure no homeless people are in there.  Management hates that.  Anyway…I stepped into the bathroom to make my sweep and decided to do number two.  I lifted the toilet seat, and there they were.  Ballots just crammed in the toilet.  It was unbelievable.  I didn’t know who to call.  Luckily, a member of Al Franken’s campaign just happened to walk into the bathroom.  He told me not to touch nothin’, and he quickly called Franken.”

Elective Decisions contacted the Franken camp, but no one could be identified as even having been in the Mall of America on November 13^th and Franken’s only suggestion was that his campaign staff was “hard at work monitoring election returns.”

“I don’t have any clue how this happened,” claimed Franken.  “I only know that every vote counts.  This very well may put me in the U.S. Senate.  My hopes have not been flushed.  It is truly a miracle.”

This is an example of conservatism on display.  It should be an example to the Republican Party, and it should be what they strive for in the future of their party.

Washington—With a flurry of investigations about to hit Capitol Hill, Democrats in both Houses of Congress have demanded that President George W. Bush produce his birth certificate.  Questions on its authenticity have arrived within the last few days.

Rep. Nancy Pelosi, D-CA, contends that Bush was really born in Houston, Texas, even though the photocopy of his birth certificate shows the birthplace of New Haven, Connecticut.  Pelosi has demanded that he produce the “real” copy in order to save him from impeachment.

“I don’t believe the birth certificate’s real,” claimed Pelosi.  “If he was born in Texas—like I think he was—then he’s certainly unqualified to be President of the United States.  Texas is a whole other country—nothing but bible thumpers and rednecks down there.  We’ll frog march him out of the Oval Office.”

Senator Harry Reid, D-NV, stated that “this raises the authenticity of the entire presidency,” and that “it puts a cloud over the White House.”

“If Bush knows what’s best for himself, he’ll produce it,” added Reid.  “We’re in power now, and this is just another in the long line of conspiracies from the White House.”

Rahm Emmanuel, known as Rahmbo on the Hill, agreed, saying, “Bush drew first blood, and now we’ll have to terminate him with extreme partisanship.  Don’t think I won’t do it.  Just ask my fellow Democrats what I’m capable of.”

Many wonder if the authenticity of Bush’s birth certificate will cause an impeachment, prosecution and a prison sentence before he can leave office.  Some, however, have ignored this as yet another attempt to smear the Bush presidency.

But Chris Davis, the internet powerhouse, thinks that retribution may finally be at hand.

“I’ve arrived on the ground here in Crawford, Texas,” stated Davis.  I am going to scour the countryside until I unearth the facts.  I’ll search every doghouse, outhouse, henhouse, and tree house until I discover the ugly truth of the Bush presidency.”

“I can’t unwind,” replied the dime; “It’s as though if I did I’d die.”

“What nonsense,” whined a paper bill, “Imagine living in my till,

Shuffled to and fro each day, handled more than men can say—”

“You’re both greenhorns,” said a twenty; “I’ve never had people shun me,

My green back can scarce set down before I’m changed and moved around.”

“Balderdash,” Ben Franklin said, “Do you know that this bald old head

Has found cocaine and hands and trunks?  So get yourselves out of this funk.”

“You forgot me!” Yelled the fifty, echoed by Fives and Twos complete

With fraying edges bent and bound; with oily germs and screeching sounds.

But then the till opened before the bills could say one small word more,

And nails of pink gripped three young Ones, and smiling they knew they were done—So off they traveled from the till, while Franklin bid them all ill-will,

And Lincoln tipped his hat a bit, while dimes and pennies followed swift.

The ten-cent piece who’d spoke his peace found caves of soft and flowing fleece,

Wherein the sunshine dared not enter, thus keeping the monies fettered

Within bounds of darkened motion, tossing as though a small ocean

Bore their bodies on its back, from place to place, from shack to shack.

From hand to till, from till to cave, from cave to purse, from purse to rave—

Across a nation passing hands; the change and dollars saw the land,

Always feeling just the same, and wishing for a life more tame—

But when their dreams were answered swift, they couldn’t reconcile the rift;

For suddenly their brothers came, and came and came and came again—

Multiplied in use and name; but losing value with swift speed,

Inflation did then help to weed the hundreds from pockets of tweed,

Where soon they found Ones in the street, and felt the sting of swift defeat;

For without value monies die, and can make no new business fly.

Piles and piles of useless garbage turning brown and streaked with sewage

Covered streets and clogged the gutters; falling from trailer-park shutters,

Littering the grass like leaves, bundled up like hay in sheaves.

And new coins came with faces chiseled; angry visages that were sold

To appease a country lost within ideals quite brashly tossed

Around as though their detriment was Utopia heaven-sent.

The whiny dime then wept and sneered, wishing for a life not seared

By useless waning wasting life; feeling as though swift death sans strife

Would be a greater way to live; to escape the unfair torment

Of essential uselessness—for socialism floods markets, and money’s outlets

Shuffle hands, until the cash will fill the land—their value barely rival’ing sand.

So learn from these lost coins and bills, whose lives swift became without will,

As Maoism stole their use, and made them live with bums and youths

Whose homes could not be found