Elective Decisions

Las Vegas—In what could only be interpreted as having cajones the size of basketballs, Senator John McCain has declared himself the winner in an Election Day landslide, practically giving Senator Barack Obama, D-IL, the finger.  The announcement came in the evening, during his trip to Las Vegas, Nevada.

McCain, not backing down from the erratic polls, made the declaration after an audience member, yelled, “What do you think, Senator McCain?  Do we win?”

McCain, feeling the vibe of the crowd, responded, “We’re not only gonna win.  We’re gonna win in a landslide victory!  I am gonna knock Senator Obama out.  Just like Rocky Balboa did to Apollo Creed.  This Mac is back, and it’s a Mac attack!”

The fevered crowd cheered loudly, chanting, “McCain/Palin ’08,” over and over again.

“This is not only over,” McCain continued, “but I have already ordered some new furniture for the Oval Office.  At Cindy’s request, we gave it a more personal touch.”

Many in the news media speculated on whether the declaration by McCain was wise, considering that the race was very close in many states across the country.

“This is utterly astounding,” remarked NBC’s Andrea Mitchell.  “The way I have it Barack Obama winds in a landslide.  I think Senator McCain has gone off the reservation.”

“The man is a disgusting pig,” fired MSNBC front man Keith Olbermann.  “Everyone knows the only way McCain wins is if racism triumphs.  I guess he knows something we don’t.”

Despite the overwhelming media bias against him, Senator McCain continued to defend the declaration in his final stop in Arizona, noting that “it isn’t over until the final bell.”

“My friends,” Senator McCain said.  “We all know the media wants Obama to win.  “But this isn’t over until the final bell.  Because we are going to fight until the final ballot is cast.  We’re going to fight in Pennsylvania, in Florida, Ohio, Colorado, Nevada, and New Mexico.  My friends…we’re going to send Obama unconscious to the mat!”

“Not only are we going to win in a landslide,” claimed Governor Sarah Palin, R-AK.  “We’re going to kick his teeth out while he’s down.  And that’s extra credit for the Wasilla Middle School for understanding what I mean when I say ‘kick his teeth out.’  You betcha!”