Elective Decisions

Princeton, NJ—In an utter stroke of genius, Church & Dwight Company, Inc.—the makers of Trojan brand condoms—has rolled out a brand new condom.  The company is calling it the Barack Obama condom.

The company states Trojan is America’s #1 condom and has been trusted for 90 years.  They also note that that they currently have 29 varieties of condoms, and that this 30^th variety is “more durable than any other type of condom manufactured to date.”

Chairman and Chief Executive Officer James R. Craigie told Elective Decisions that the condom had been in testing for six months, and that “it was the toughest condom he’d ever seen.”

“This is going to be a real seller,” added Craigie.  “We stretched it, filled it with air, and beat it with hammers, and it never broke.  Its toughness is key, because it will keep a lot of Obama voters out of paternity suits.  That’s good stuff!”

Church & Dwight also mentions that the Barack Obama condom will insure that Trojan condoms will be in drug stores another 90 years.  They’ve even come up with a couple of slogans to spearhead their marketing campaign:  “Nothing sticks to a Barack Obama condom,” and “If it’s good enough for Obama, then it’s definitely good enough for you.”

“This condom will be the tip of the spear,” added Craigie.  “It is a cross between the Trojan ENZ and the Her Pleasure types of condoms.  I like to think of it as a Your Pleasure condom.  With this condom, you can throw all responsibility out the window.  It’s great for liberals.  You’re in.  You’re out.  No complicated problems.  Nothing can penetrate the Barack Obama condom, nor will anything stick to it.  It’s the perfect condom made in the image of the perfect man.”

Craigie concluded, saying that the condom did experience mixed results during its testing phases, and that “some of the testees didn’t care too much for it.”

Melissa Barinovich, a 35-year old waitress from Detroit, said, “My husband and I tried the Barack Obama out during its testing phases.  It really wasn’t that satisfying of an experience.  I’m afraid in the end that the condom was all hype.”

Despites some of the negative criticism, Church & Dwight hopes this will be better than sliced bread.  Craigie said that the Barack Obama condom will be available in drug stores across the nation on January 20, 2009.

“It’s not just going to be in drug stores,” Craigie said.  “It will be in Wal-Marts and K-Marts across the nation as well.  Not only can Barack Obama protect America, but now he can even protect Americans during sex.  Now tell me…what could be better than that?”