Elective Decisions

Washington—In what can only be stated as incomprehensible, Phillip Morris-an operating company of Altria Group, Inc—and Halliburton have been named on a short list for a bailout.  The bailout being proposed is $1 trillion, which could make it the largest bailout in America’s history.

The two companies feel that since everyone else is getting a bailout, they should get in line for their slice of the pie as well, noting that this bailout mania “has created an incessant need for companies to stop trying to be successful.”

Chairman & CEO of Altria Group, Inc, Mike Szymanczyk, said, “The burden of a successful company has now fallen to the government, and if they wish to see more capital invested in smoking cessation clinics, then Obama better pony up.”

President and Chief Executive Officer of Halliburton, David J. Lesar, complained that Halliburton has never got a fair shake fom the U.S Government, and “this could go a long way in making up for such bad will.”

“We want a piece of the action as well,” stated Lesar.  “We took it in the shorts during the nineties.  We lost billions!  It may be time to get some of that back!  Pelosi best do what’s right, or gas prices will go so high her nose will bleed.”

“We gave these two sectors a verbal and financial beating in the past,” said Pelosi. “We can try make it right with tons of money.”

As bailout after bailout happens, it has become apparent that America is headed for the waste water treatment plant.  It must be cleansed, and only the Democratic Party appears ready to do what it can to save it.

“These financial calamities are ruining this country,” stated President-elect Barack Obama, D-IL.  “We can make the necessary changes.  It will take many sacrifices by all Americans, but we can get there.  Hope will lead the way.”