Elective Decisions

Chicago, IL—From the sanctuary of his Chicago office, President-elect Barack Obama, D-IL, has laid out a plan that would bail out the U.S. Government.  The proposal marks his first attempt at pushing legislation before he takes office, rescuing the federal government, while allowing the government to bail out the rest of America.

It all began with Wachovia Bank.  Now, the declining economy, and the failure of the Bush administration policies forced Obama to take charge of the country before it sinks into a deep depression filled with soup lines.

Vice President-elect Joe Biden applauded the plan, saying the measure is the kind of genius we expect to see from the Obama administration, and that “this kind of action only goes to show he has steel in his spine.”

“This man is brilliant,” added Biden.  “I’m not worthy enough to lick his boots.  I tell ya…he’s the man of steel.”

There was also bipartisan approval of the plan.  Senator John McCain, R-AZ, rushed to the cameras, declaring, “This is the kind of legislation that can save this country.  We’ve got to do something.  People are hurting out there.  I feel confident that President-elect Obama can reach across the aisle to get things done.  I can’t stress enough just how important that is in Washington.  But I’m just the kind of man you’re looking for, Mr. President.  You don’t want Hillary for Secretary of State.  You need me.  Call me.”

“The spending has been wild at times,” asserted Obama, “but we’ll still need three or four trillion dollars every year.  I know the American people will be happy to pony up.  Even though Social Security is broke.  We can fix that too…with a few patriotic donations.  You’ll be proud to be an American under my administration.”

“Sure, we’re giving money faster than we can print it,” noted Rep. Barney Frank, D-MA.  “But who is really there to help us out when times are tough?  The American taxpayer.”

“According to the debt clock, we owe a little over $10 trillion,” claimed Timothy Geithner, Obama’s future Treasury secretary.  “That’s a tad over 3.94 billion per day without the bailouts.  I believe Obama can rescue us with massive tax increases.”

The stroke of perfection that Obama has laid out leaves little uncertainty of what’s ahead.  To the American taxpayer, it will feel like they’ve just had a prostate exam, and to those who don’t pay taxes, it’ll be nirvana.

“When I’m through,” suggested Obama.  “Democrats can’t be blamed for anything.  Welfare will be taken care of, the war on poverty will be over, and Social Security will be 100% solvent.  There won’t be any need in anyone complaining.  Living in America will be as though we’ve reached Utopia.  And all of this in just four short years.”