Elective Decisions

Washington—In honor of President-elect Barack Obama, D-IL, the White House will host a non offensive Christmas, a delight that’s sure to warm the heart of even the fondest of atheists.

 

The decision reportedly came with America in the icy grip of the Obama recession.  This drove the final nail in the coffin, ending the hopes of a bright, White House Christmas.  This year, according to Laura Bush, things are going to be different.

 

“This just hasn’t been the most wonderful time of the year,” said First Lady Laura Bush.  “So, we’re going to essentially skip Christmas for a whole new season.  The new theme is going to be ‘Battleship Gray.’  We just can’t afford to offend anyone this time of the year.  Many advocates have supported representing all religions, but that would only offend people that don’t subscribe to a certain religion, and we can’t have that either. 

 

Besides, winter is all about gray, bleak days, and the only thing bleaker than a battleship parked offshore is an oil rig.  We were going to do a ‘Red, White and Blue” Christmas, but far too many people are struggling.  There just isn’t a better time to change themes.”

 

The first steps have begun, according to Mrs. Bush, sending all green trees back to the factory to be flocked in gray and renamed Winter Solstice Trees.  The feeling is that a tree flocked in white would be far too offensive to minorities.   The decorations will consist of round, plastic bulbs, we’re told, so as not to be harmful to children in any way, and too large to be swallowed.  No lights will be put on the trees.  Instead, the trees will be strung with gray twine, knotted together to show the harmony of peace.

 

More decorations are said to include plastic ornaments in the shapes of parallelograms, decagons and dodecagons, all with the edges trimmed so as not to be too aggressive.  The top of the trees are to be adorned with a reshaped star that is not representative of any religion, and repainted gray to fit the theme. 

 

“You can’t say enough about this,” claimed Mrs. Bush.  “Seeing the White House all decked out in gray sends chills down my spine.”

 

Not to be outdone, the White House has changed its Christmas parties to winter celebration parties.  The hors d’oeuvres served at each party will be vanilla wafers and rice cakes.  The cocktails are mentioned as being downgraded from punch—which has been known to be fattening—to bottled water and Tab.

 

The sudden move to a change in Christmas themes has left many pundits confused and many pundits happy.  “You’ve got to hand it to Mrs. Bush,” stated Sen. Hillary Clinton, D-NY.  “This is a bold move that’s long overdue for this administration.  I think this is a tradition all Americans can follow.”

 

“I think I just want a bottle,” said Sen. Ted Kennedy.  “But as long as we keep Christ…I mean religion out of Christmas, we can all have a great Winter Solstice.”

 

“I think it’s a bit much,” noted Sen. John McCain, R-AZ.  “But you really can’t blame Mrs. Bush for reaching out to Middle America.  This should’ve been in honor of me.  Screwed by conservatives again.  I hope they rot in hell.”

 

As the advent of the Christmas season begins, political correctness fills the air.  The gloomy forecast that hangs over the White House has forced them to make a change in the once, great traditions of Christmas.  As the workers go to work, the White House is filled with excitement about what is sure to be a hit in Washington and in the nation with the first non offensive Christmas.

 

“I can’t believe Mrs. Bush is doing this,” fired Pat Robertson.  “She knows that Christmas is about the birth of Christ.  This is ridiculous.  And she calls herself a Methodist.  She’s going to burn I tell ya.”

Portland, OR—The consensus among top climatologists today confirms that Global Warming activities over the last 5 years have created a cooling trend that cannot be stopped.

Merle Bemish, Climatologist from the University of Upper South Central North Dakota (UUSCND), speaking at a Climatology Conference in downtown Portland today, discussed the varying aspects of Global Warming and their calculable effects toward planetary cooling.

“It’s obvious, when you look at it, like I have, intensely for the last 27 years, that auto emissions have been the only thing that has kept us out of an ice age up until now. To remove this planet warming resource will only have devastating effects on the entire planet. We need auto emissions to keep us warm. That and fire. Fire is nice, yes?”

Scientists are now claiming that unless a trend toward progressive pollution, i.e., laws passed that establish fines for those who refuse to pollute, are not implemented, everybody will be up to their eyeballs in ice by February.