Elective Decisions

Kohler, WI—Eager to get a jump on the economic malaise, Kohler has announced their new bathroom toilet seat, a seat that is sure to win the hearts of Americans, and many throughout the Muslim world.

 

Their new seat, commemorating Barack Obama’s inauguration as the 44^th President of the United States, is set to begin manufacturing in early February 2009.  It is designed in the spirit of Saile™ Quiet-Close™ Quick Release™ elongated toilet seats, and is called The Barack Obama Commemorative Toilet Seat. ™

 

The Barack Obama Commemorative Toilet Seat ™ is layered with 24-karat gold, and is a unique opportunity to get a piece of this historic moment in American history.  For only $999.00, you too can own this priceless treasure—a treasure that will leave timeless memories on the toilet.

 

The specific seat design is made to fit almost any toilet, and will give your loved ones that sense of real change when sitting down.  After all, nothing says, “I love you,” more than The Barack Obama Commemorative Toilet Seat. ™ It’s just the momentous occasion you’ve been waiting for.  It’s simple.  Sit down, take a seat on Obama and defecate.  Don’t waste any more time.  Call now and pick up the boldest look of Kohler toilet seats to date.

 

According to their website, “since 1873, Kohler has improved the lives of its customers with exceptional products and services.”  This toilet seat is no different.  It will bring hours of reassurance and satisfaction to all its users.

 

“This is great,” noted Walt Kilwalsky, a 52-year old barber from Kohler, WI.  “I’ve always wanted to take a big dump on Obama, and with this seat I can.  It’s worth every penny to me.  Thanks, Kohler!”

 

Director of Marketing for Kitchen & Bath, Jeff Stovak, mentioned that originally they were only going to make 10,000 of these toilet seats.  However, he told us, the amount of orders coming out of Iran alone were more than that.

 

“This product is going through the roof in the Middle East,” stated Stovak.  “It’s going to be our biggest seller to date.  Barack Obama is a Godsend.  Thank you, Mr. President!”

 

Don’t hesitate to pick up the phone.  Call now to order your exclusive toilet seat.  Don’t let history pass you by!  Don’t just listen to us.  Listen to Rush Limbaugh!

 

“I’ve been buying Kohler products for over 20 years,” claimed Limbaugh.  “But nothing compares to The Barack Obama Commemorative Toilet Seat™.  It’s a winner.  Just like me.  Don’t let your guests use an ordinary crapper.  Get yourself an Obama crapper.  It’s worth it!”

 

Don’t hesitate any longer!  Call now, and get the gift that keeps on giving:  The Barack Obama Commemorative Toilet Seat™.

 

 

 

Concepts by Gator113

Mary Smith slammed her coffee mug down on her desk.  She once again had to review the journal entries for the month closing.  It was a great deal of annoyance to her.  There were always mistakes.  Too many mistakes made by too many people.

 

These are employees, she thought.  We aren’t paying them by the hour to constantly screw up!

 

As a CFO for a small Las Vegas casino, it was her responsibility to ensure proper journal entries.  Auditors preferred it that way.  Irregularities meant red flags, and that meant longer, painful audits.

 

Down on the strip, life was better.  There, she’d have five or six staff accountants sorting out every little journal entry, and then reporting it to her.  It was her fault, and she knew it.  She was the perfectionist, which had her micromanaging her staff, an unenviable position for the poor souls that were forced to work under her.

 

The work was meticulous and repetitious, creating more time at the office than at home.  By the end of the month, she felt as if she were working for minimum wage.  So it was not surprising when her husband announced one hot summer day that he was leaving her.

 

For months, the accounting staff walked on egg shells around the office.  One wrong move could have someone working in the mail room for a month, a veritable hell in the summertime.

 

With revenues falling at the casino, mistakes at work were tolerated even less.  The last thing that Mary wanted was to put anyone on the government dole.  But if the mistakes continued, she would be forced to do just that.

 

She had been in the office since six that morning, agonizing over the expense accounts.  The monthly budget meeting was on Friday, and she wasn’t about to post entries with errors.  That only messed up the final budget preparations.

 

She snatched up the phone.  “Susan, get in here,” she snapped.

“Yes, ma’am,” replied a shaky Susan.

 

In a matter of seconds, Susan appeared at Mary’s office, looking as though she were about to put her favorite pet to sleep, tears welling in her eyes.

 

Susan was the exact opposite of Mary’s tall, thin frame.  To look at her would lead one to believe that she was harmless.  Her tan skin, her shiny white teeth, and her perfect black hair made her appear as dainty as a tabby cat.  Inside, however, there was a tiger that could quickly remove an arm out of your socket.

 

“Grab a seat,” Mary firmly stated, pointing to the chair in front of her desk.

 

“What did I do wrong, Ms. Smith,” Susan whimpered, easing into The Chair—a term the accounting staff coined, largely because of the vast number of past employees that had their fates sealed in that very chair.

 

“We’ve talked about these comps before.  Do I have to remind you every month that when you debit an expense account, it must be credited for the same entity? Am I going to have to do this every month with you?

 

“No ma’am.  I promise I won’t make that mistake again.”

 

“I know you won’t, because you’re going to do them all again, and I want them in there by tomorrow afternoon.  What is the problem?”

 

“I don’t know.  I guess I’ve been upset about Obama’s election.  And now his Cabinet choices are worse than ever.”

 

“We’re all upset about this Marxist,” Mary teethed.  “But you’ve got to focus.  It’s either that or the mailroom for a month.”

 

“I’m sorry.  I will get those journal entries done so you can post them in the morning.”

 

“Good,” Mary quipped.  “Now get going.”

 

Mary turned on her office radio, anticipating Rush Limbaugh’s broadcast.  Unfortunately, the radio was at the top of the hour break, hammering its listeners with more Obama news.

 

Mary stormed out of her office, yelling to the accounting staff in their cubicles, “If I find out anyone voted for Obama in this office, you’ll find yourself sorting mail for the rest of the year!”

 

***

 

 

At the end of the Rush Limbaugh program, Mary rushed her car to Quicky Lube to get her oil changed during her lunch hour.  As she pulled up, she noted the new sign on the door that read, We use the newly proposed Obama standards in oil change.

 

Mary rushed in to speak to her usual mechanic, Chuck, a bearded burly man with grease on his hands, and a jelly donut stain on his collar.

 

“What are the newly proposed Obama standards in oil change,” Mary asked.

 

“It’s simple,” claimed Chuck.  “We charge you one dollar less for your oil change, and you get to help save the planet.”

 

“If it’s one dollar less, I’ll take it.”

 

“Hey, Joe,” yelled Chuck.  “Take Mary’s car around and give her the Obama oil change.”

 

After talking to Chuck for a bit, Mary walked around to watch the oil change in progress.  She shook her head in wonderment as the process continued.  She couldn’t believe her eyes.  She was having her oil changed and they were putting used oil back in.

 

“My God, they’re recycling the same old stuff and calling it change!  Come to think of it, isn’t Obama doing the same thing as he builds his cabinet!”

 

Hearing the yelling, Chuck dashed over to her car.  “It’s the new Obama standards, and you do get a dollar discount for using it.  We take the old oil out and put the new old oil back in.  Its change you can believe in.”

 

***

 

 

After only fifteen minutes, Mary drove down the Albertsons to pick up her prescription drugs.  The doctor had phoned them in, and when she called the pharmacy they hadn’t been filled yet.

She ran to the counter, waving at Randy, “Are my prescriptions filled yet?”

 

“They are,” Randy answered.  “But do you want your usual generic drug, or the newly proposed Obama discount drugs?”

 

“The Obama discount drugs?”

 

“Yep,” he said, motioning to the shelf in the corner with the words, Obama Discount Drugs.  “Those are them.  We give ‘em to you at rock bottom prices.  It’s only a dollar co-pay.”

 

“One dollar!  I’ll take it.”

 

She grabbed the pill bottle and began reading.  She quickly noticed that the date on the pills had expired.  She looked at it again in disbelief.

 

“Randy.  These are expired.  They’re no good,” she retorted in shock.

 

“It’s the new Obama discount plan.  We take the expired drugs, and recycle them for a much cheaper price,” he explained.  “It’s the kind of change you can believe in.”

 

“These could kill me,” she fired.

 

“Yeah, but it’s still real change, a real change in affordable prescription drugs.  You have to admit that,” he laughed.

 

***

 

Mary raced home from work, insuring that she wouldn’t be late.  Her baby sitter had a date, and making her baby sitter late meant listening to her whine about the difficulties of being a teenager.

 

Mary would’ve fired her long ago, but she was cheap, and cheap meant Mary put up with the occasional temper tantrum from an undisciplined child.

 

As Mary walked in the door, the baby sitter was walking out the door.  “I just changed his diaper, and put him to sleep.  I used the Obama standard.  Gotta go, Ms. Smith.”

 

“By,” Mary answered.  “What the hell is the Obama standard,” she asked as the front door closed.

 

A few moments later the phone rang, and it was her ex-husband on the other end.  “Hey,” he said.  “I get John this weekend.  Right?”

 

Mary rolled her eyes.  “You know you do.”

At that moment, the baby began crying again.  “What’s going on?”

 

“I don’t know.  The baby sitter said she changed the diaper using the Obama standards, but he’s still crying.  Oh, my God.  You don’t think…”

 

 

 

 

Concepts by NVA

Washington—In what could likely put Playboy magazine out of business, millions of Americans are preparing to achieve orgasm during Barack Obama’s inauguration speech tomorrow.  The abundant frenzy—expected upward of 20 million—would be unprecedented in American history, dwarfing the two or three million orgasms on Election Night.

 

Obama’s speech, “Great Expectations,” is reportedly expected to run 17 minutes long—a period of time which is sure to leave millions writhing and undulating in sheer bliss.  The Pew Center for research has reported that 90 percent of women, and 85 percent of liberal men, expect to achieve climax in the final thrust of Obama’s campaign speech, leaving many with “Great Expectations” of their own.

 

The time that many are expected to reach their moment of hysteria is during the point in the speech in which Obama says, “Ask not what you can do for your government; rather, ask what your government can do for you.  For personal responsibility is a thing of the past.”

 

There are many working poor, planning to watch the Obama’s Inauguration, one of whom is Sheila Denning—a 27-year old waitress at Denny’s.  She told us that watching Obama’s Inauguration is better than sex.

 

“This event,” Sheila said, “is one of the most satisfying experiences I’ll have in my entire life.  I feel so complete now that Obama is entering the White House.  He’s just a personal dream.”

 

“I think it’s super,” exclaimed, Bobby Fister—a gay, 39-year old Network Systems Engineer for Microsoft.  “This is the greatest moment of my life.  I’ll have my popcorn and a moist towel ready to go.”

 

Even though many expect to complete during Obama’s address to the nation, others have tuned in for the unifying aspects of his skin color.  Joann Feldstein is just one of those people.  She told us that she can’t wait to feel as though whites and blacks to become one people.

 

“This is like the most historic event I’ve ever seen in my entire life,” claimed Feldstein, a white 28-year old fashion designer from Manhattan.  “I feel as though things have totally changed now.  As soon as he’s taken his oath of office, I’m going to go find the nearest black man and sleep with him.  That way, I’ll be able to rid myself of the guilt I feel for the injustices of the evil white man.”

 

Whether it’s racial equality or fevered spasms, many will tune in tomorrow, peaking with excitement.  The delirious build up is likely to see many orgasms right there in the National Mall in Washington, D.C., sending thousands running for the Port-a-Potties that line the mall.

 

“This is so exciting,” said an enthusiastic Cherry Downer, a 25-year old Columbia medical student.  “I’m with Katie Couric.  I get all tingly just thinking about his speech tomorrow.  I can’t wait.  I love you, Katie!”

 

Washington—With a precision not seen in government since the eighties, the U.S. Naval Observatory will be able to measure time to 100 Trillionths of a second as well as measure the speed of government spending, which seems to be approaching at a similar rate.

 

The amazing feat at the observatory will be accomplished because of the NAVSTAR Global Positioning Systems and high speed Internet communications.  Until now, no one human being has been able to track the speed of government spending.  It has eluded citizens of the United States for hundreds of years.

 

“With the lightning speed of government spending, you need a clock,” said Jeff Chesterton, public affairs office at the Naval Observatory, the majority contributor to the international determination of time.  Chesterton went on to explain the difficulty in tracking government spending.

 

“My wife actually tried to track the speed of government spending when President Bush took office during his new tone era,” explained Chesterton.  “But after the Prescription Drug Benefit Program, and the Education Bill, she started suffering nose bleeds and blacked out a few times.  So, she stopped.  But with this clock, there is no pork we can’t track.”

 

Reportedly, standard atomic clocks measure microwave signals emitted from atoms as they change energy levels. Since 1967, the one-second time interval has been defined as the duration of 9,192,631,770 cycles of radiation corresponding to the transition between two energy levels of the cesium-133 atom.

 

“We guarantee to log the time of all pork in Washington,” quipped Chesterton.  “Our clock is so precise that it will not gain or lose one penny of government pork in the next 3 million years.  In fact, our motto is ‘Fountain Clock: Fast enough to track out of control spending.’”

 

Because of its ultra precise timing, the “Fountain Clock,” will serve as a reference point for American citizens.  By keeping track of the speed of pork production in government, this clock will affect people’s everyday lives.

 

“Zimbabwe proved to be the perfect proving ground for the new clock,” said Chesterton. “Their hyper-inflation let us model our Congress’ current spending plan in real time. In fact, Reuters just noted Zimbabwe has launched a 100 Trillion dollar bank note and confidentially, Mugabe told us it was in appreciation for our test program.”

 

Chesterton remarked that the signing on of Mugabe is just another reason Americans should rally behind the “Fountain Clock,” largely because of the weak kneed Republicans, and the Democrat’s control in Congress.

 

“Timing is everything,” noted Chesterton.  “Isn’t it time we clocked the speed of government spending?  It’s long overdue.”

 

 

Concepts by NVA