Elective Decisions

Washington, D.C.—Frustrated by Rush Limbaugh’s claims that “he probably couldn’t even change a tire,” Barack Obama has cleared two hours of air time to show America that he doesn’t need Rick Wagoner to run the car industry.  The promoted event is to take place on Saturday, April 4, 2009, between the hours of 8:00 p.m. and 10:00 p.m. EST.

It is going to be aired on ABC, CBS, NBC, MSNBC, FOX, and CNN, proving once and for all that he has the requisite understanding needed to tackle the takeover of the General Motors Corporation.  The car of choice is said to be Michelle Obama’s 2009 Cadillac Escalade, a Sport Utility Vehicle capable of 403 horsepower, 8,300 pounds towing capacity, and an efficient 19 miles per gallon on the highway.

The teleprompter friendly program is noted to be important in showing Americans the proper way to change oil and inflate tires.  Obama feels that car manufacturers aren’t doing enough to help you save gas.  He also says that “proper tire inflation is the key to saving fuel for our children.”

“Americans need to know that I can tackle the takeover of General Motors,” stated Obama.  “This will be the first of many shows, proving that I am more than capable of handling what Rick Wagoner couldn’t handle.  And remember…if you learn how to change the oil and tires yourself, then you’ll have more money left when I don’t pay your mortgage.”

Since the promotions for the program started, reports have surfaced that have indicated Michelle Obama will be supervising Barack as he changes the oil and tires on the Cadillac Escalade.  The new element to the two-hour spectacle is going to give you a keen insight into the Obama family not seen by Americans—a chance for many to watch Michelle curse Barack out on national television.

“You didn’t think I was going to let him change the oil and tires on my Escalade,” exclaimed Michelle Obama.  “The man can’t hit the toilet, do laundry, or make a bed.  Wait ‘till the fool starts to rotate the tires and figures out he has only one jack.   He sure ain’t touchin’ my black Cadillac without my supervision.”

Concepts by NVA

Los Angeles, CA—In order to push his claims of sacrifices for all citizens, Barack Obama has signed a four-record, $25 million deal with Tower Records.  The new album, Tyranny and Slavery, will be the first.  The expected release date is September 22, 2010, and will be stocked full of favorites.

Some of the hits are reported to include: Tyranny And Slavery, No More Mr. Nice Guy, Take AIG And Shove It, The Devil Went Down To Connecticut, and The Washington Gambler.  The album will help ease your pain as the government takes more and more control of your life, explaining the true difficulties needed to realign America.

The records will be great at parties, perfect for work when the boss is on your back, and hours of fun for the kids.  Obama has laid it all on the line, and you should too by pre-ordering this sure-fire winner.  So, if you have a hankering for tyranny, this album is just right for you.  This is a once in a lifetime opportunity, and it is not sold in stores!  So don’t hesitate!  Go online and order now!

And if you order within the next twenty minutes, we’ll include Obama’s classic hit, America Swings.  It does, just like a pendulum do!  So pre-order this colossal classic, and help Obama transform a once, great country into a steaming pile of dog poop!

“I can’t wait,” sobbed Chris Davis, a 47-year old unemployed taxi driver in New York City.  “There’s nothing like the music that says ‘stick it to the rich’ to warm my heart!  I’m so excited I can feel the orgasm welling within me now!  Thank you, Mr. President!  You’re the greatest!” 

Washington—Not taking education lightly, the U.S. Senate has drawn up their own version of H.R. 1388: Generations Invigorating and Volunteerism Act, a bill introduced by Rep. Carolyn McCarthy, D-NY, and aimed at “expanding service learning programs by offering year-round opportunities to children and youth and providing service opportunities for retirees.”

The bill also requires that “the Director of the Corporation for National and Community Service to encourage members of the Baby Boom generation to volunteer.”  Feeling that the U.S. House approach didn’t go far enough, Sen. Harry Reid, D-NV, has introduced his version:  T.A.K.E. (Tax And Keep Educating).

T.A.K.E. would go one step further.  It would raise taxes on the wealthiest Americans—including bonuses for AIG, Merrill Lynch, and the Rush Limbaugh’s of the world, and route that money to an education lock box.  This lock box would be tapped only in spending for indoctrinating traditionally minority and poor neighborhoods.  This would insure the appropriate amounts of money go to keep communities agitated.

“Senator Reid feels that Americans just won’t give up their tax dollars voluntarily,” said Joshua Helms, a spokesperson for Reid’s office.  “So, he’s gong to volunteer their tax dollars for them.  You’ve got to admit that it’s a stroke of genius.”

“Community organizations like ACORN need this money,” added Barack Obama.  “I’ll gladly sign that into law.  Once we take away the deduction for charitable donations, then this bill will become necessary.  You G.I.V.E and we T.A.K.E!  It’s just the way I envisioned it on the campaign trail.”

“This is just the kind of thing that these despicable AIG employees should support,” stated Rep. Barney Frank, D-MA.  “This will help eliminate greed in America.  I wish I’d have thought of this.”

“A bold new step for Americans,” claimed Rep. Nancy Pelosi, D-CA.  “It’s the kind of thing that brings tears to my cheeks.  Sometimes I forget that we’re the Democratic Party, and we’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.  And we’re going to T.A.K.E. till it hurts.”

Concepts by NVA

New York—In what could only be labeled as abject stupidity, Simon & Schuster has dared to publish Mark Levin’s new book: Liberty and Tyranny: A Conservative Manifesto.  The book is yet another tired example of writings from a whack job, and is scheduled for release March 24, 2009.

Levin is the president of Landmark Legal Foundation, has worked as an attorney in the private sector, served as an advisor to members of President Reagan’s cabinet, and, along with other things never to do, served as the Chief Of Staff to Attorney General Edwin Meese.

He conducts his daily insanity on 77 WABC in New York, exercising his First Amendment Right to the dismay of many everywhere.  In a time for change, Levin is exactly the opposite of just what America needs.

As usual, he is planning to make some public appearances, starting with Huntington, NY, on Saturday, March 21, 2009 at 5:00 p.m., and many conservative crazies will flock there to support his special brand of lunacy.

John Buffo, a 57-year old retired General Motors mechanic, is planning to attend the event.  “I can’t wait,” laughed Buffo.  “I am going just to make fun of conservatives.  They actually believe in the U.S. Constitution!  As if that matters anymore!”

“Levin’s hey day is over,” noted Karen Bishenski, a 27-year old waitress at Denny’s in Huntington, NY.  “He’s a joke now.  Conservatism is dead, Levin.  Get over it!”

“He’s the devil,” stated Chris Davis, a 40-year old convenience store clerk at 7-11 in Huntington.  “And he’s crazy!  They should take him out back and horse whip him!”

As the new book approaches, many conservatives can’t wait to help galvanize the conservative movement and reform the Republican Party, returning the country to the ideas and intention of the Founding Fathers.  However, some liberals are concerned that the book might actually spread the notion of liberty. 

“It’s scary,” muttered Kary Schinbloom, a single mother of seven and welfare recipient.  “It’s utterly frightening to have conservatives in control in the government.  They actually expect people to be responsible.  I can’t do that.”

“If these looney tunes ever got back into power,” stated Jerry Rhineheart, an unemployed factory worker in Flint, Michigan, “I would lose my extended unemployment benefits.  Why on Earth would I want to work for a living?  Don’t buy this book, and turn off your damn radios, you big dopes!”

Washington, D.C.—With the lack of parenting ever more prevalent today in America, Barack Obama, D-Kenya, is taking a hard stand against the fast food industry.  He is proposing a plan to increase the corporate tax by 20% on fast food restaurants.  The proposal, if implemented, would begin on June 1, 2009, in time for summer break, when all the responsibility of parenting seems to go out the window.

Since the demonization of smokers, alcohol drinkers and gas guzzling consumers has been accomplished, the Obama administration is now going after a more sinister demon: Fast Food.  The feeling of the administration is that Americans are far too fat, and something must be done for their irresponsibility.

“America is the most obese country in the world,” claimed White House Chief of Staff Rham Emmanuel.  “We are 5% of the world’s population and eat 50% of the world’s food supply, most of which occurs at McDonald’s.  The Big Mac has become deadlier than a pack of Marlboro cigarettes, and this administration will not stand by and watch innocent Americans die.”

This new plan is to be included in Obama’s national healthcare legislation as part of reforming eating habits, while creating a healthier, leaner and more responsible group of Americans.

“The problem here,” explained Obama, “is that far too many women can’t cook.  You’ve got these parents practically raising their children on fast food, and that’s unacceptable.  I’m the President of the United States and the buck stops here.  I’m tired of all these women with big butts.  Look at my brother, George, in Kenya.  He’s thin.  Can’t we all just get into shape out there?”

Rep. Barney Frank has vowed to defend processed meats from taxation, claiming that access to large Wienerschnitzel is a God-given right.  That raised a few eyebrows, but not one was ready to buck the openly gay Congressman.

As debate rages on, the White House’s concern for America has grown, and it appears nothing will stop them from helping you be more responsible.  Even with his new weight loss program, President Obama is determined to cut the waist lines of Americans for good.

Washington—As Americans grow fatter and fatter, Barack Obama, D-IL, has plans to reduce the waist lines of many across the United States of America.  The plans begin with the implementation of a tax run diet, increasing the amount of taxes on the top 50% of wage earners, and forcing them into poverty.

Obama’s plans are directed at the fat cats—such as AIG executives—that can afford Wagyu steak every Wednesday, or jet to dine in exotic locales such as at Table Fifty-Two in Chicago.  By forcing them into poverty, he has insured they’ll be healthy the rest of their life.

“With the excesses of AIG,” quipped Rahm Emmanuel, White House Chief of Staff.  “Obama has become concerned that they have too much.  And that isn’t fair to many Americans.  The problem is that as their bank accounts expand so do their waist lines.  These measures will insure they cut back.  They might not like it at first, but they’ll be grateful when they look in the mirror.”

“The bottom line here,” stated Barack Obama, D-IL, “is that people like Rush Limbaugh need a diet.  And I’m going to give it to them.”

Obama remarked that his tax increase plan would be unveiled in a series of ads, beginning April 15, 2009, and running through the summer.  The ads are said to “bolster the claims that rich Americans are stealing from poor Americans,” and that “their asses are getting bigger every day.”

“In this recessionary economy,” continued Obama, “it would be insane not to trim the excess fat.  Just give us six months, and we’ll take off the weight!”

The initial advertisement is reported to open with a rich, obese man, sitting in Ruth’s Chris Steak House in New York City.  The man is eating a steak with all the trimmings.  He cuts a piece of steak, takes a bite and as the juice runs down his chin, the ad states:

“Are you fat?  Are you so big you need your own zip code?  Do managers at buffets start sweating when you walk in?  If so, you need the exciting new Obama Weight Loss program.  This exciting program trims your weight by trimming your paycheck.  It’s fun and easy.  By volunteering, you agree to have the government take all that disposable income you use at your local restaurant, and the weight simply melts away.”

“Don’t just take our word for it; listen to Jack Sprat, who successfully completed the program:  ‘I was a successful businessman in Glendale, Arizona, but my butt was way out of control.  Obama saved me with his weight loss program.  The excess taxes forced me to close my business, and put all of my employees out of work.  But I lost fifty pounds, and look better today than I ever looked.  Thanks, Mr. Obama.’”

“Sign up voluntarily now, and you’ll get this free I Have A Man Crush On Obama bumper sticker.  It’s fast, it’s easy, and you can look great with the Obama Weight Loss Program.  If you don’t sign up now, Obama will sign you up anyway.  So don’t hesitate.  Get your free bumper sticker!”

“This is going to change the way Americans look, think and act in the future,” guarantees Obama.  “It’s just the kind of change we need!  After all, we all have to make a few sacrifices.  We’ll let the rich do that first!”

Washington—In an era of unprecedented change, Barack Obama has announced his plans for a new Rush Limbaugh Task Force called Barracuda.  Barracuda is slated to begin its work on Friday 13, 2009, headed up by James Carville, a Democratic strategist, and the author of a 2003 book, Had Enough: A Handbook For Fighting Back.

Also heading up the team will be White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emmanuel, D-IL, a man with distinctly sharp elbows, personally in charge of taking out “the most dangerous man in America.”  The task force will begin operations based out of the West Wing, and will operate twenty four hours a day with the help of devoted leftists.

Since the assault on Rush Limbaugh began, nothing has dented his popularity among his conservative listeners.  As the failure to detach him from his base grows, Barack Obama, D-IL, felt it necessary to remove him, and the idiots on his staff, from his EIB compound in South Florida.

“The American people have spoken,” stated Barack Obama, D-IL.  “They voted for change, and this is just the kind of change they need.  Americans are weary of Limbaugh’s tireless rants, and we are here to make sure they end.”

“With the availability of hundreds of staff members and volunteers,” rambled Carville, “we are not only gonna put him out of business, but are gonna make him more nervous than a long tail cat in a room full of rocking chairs.  Everyone hates Rush Limbaugh but conservatives, and we are gonna make sure they hate him too.”

With the announcement of this Barracuda, many wonder if Rush Limbaugh can survive yet another attack on his business, his character and his ideology.  White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emmanuel is not skeptical.  He is certain they can crush Limbaugh.

“Barracuda’s mission in life has become destroying Limbaugh,” claimed Emmanuel.  “We’ll do anything legal or illegal to get that done.  We’ll go through his trash, tap his phone, and haunt him every single day of his life.  We not only hope he fails, but we are going to make it so the man never dares think about sitting in a broadcast chair again.”

Paris—Guy Laroche, esteemed fashion designer and maker of Drakkar Noir™ and Horizon™, has announced the release of his new product, Stimulus.™  The new product line, with it’s recipe of twelve herbs and spices, is best described as a masculine scent to fight the very worst of B.O. (body odor).

B.O. affects us all, and Guy Laroche has come up with a way to battle this systemic problem.  “Fight your B.O. with Stimulus™,” Laroche insists.  “This bold new product was created to mask even the most stringent of B.O.  It’s the kind of cologne that every man should own.  Don’t let B.O. sneak up on you.”

Guy Laroche is so confident in his new product that he plans to unleash a series of ads, beginning April 1, 2009, pitching Stimulus™ to the world.  The first ad is said to open with an elevator full of women.  The elevator stops as a man with grease smeared coveralls gets on.

The man’s sweat begins to trickle down his forehead as the women slowly move into the corner away from the man.  The women hold their noses, and as the elevator comes to its next stop, one of the women grabs a bottle of Stimulus™ out of her bag and hands it to the man.  “Try this,” she mutters, her hand covering her mouth and nose.

The man takes the bottle, examines it, and thinks, Hmmm, distilled essence of pork.  This could work!  He quickly sprays the cologne on his neck and chest.  Suddenly, the women gather around him with smiles on their faces.  “Nothing attracts us more than a bottle of Stimulus™,” one of the women says.  “It masks the nastiest of B.O.”

According to Guy Laroche, the new product line has proven successful for men everywhere in its trial runs.  “It is so effective that men will be running to the stores in droves.”

Chris Davis, a 42-year old car mechanic in Denver, Colorado, agrees that Stimulus™ has revived his sex life.  “I hadn’t had sex for months,” noted Chris, “but now, thanks to Stimulus™, I’m scoring all the time.  This is simply the best.  It covers my B.O. whenever I need it, and it comes in that easy to use eau de toilette bottle.  This is wonderful.  You can throw personal responsibility away with this cologne.  I’m back on the guest lists to parties now.  Just like those moderate Republicans.  It’s great!”

“America needs this more than ever,” Laroche said, snickering, “because America’s B.O. is out of control.”

“So remember,” Laroche adds.  “When B.O. sneaks up on you, don’t grab a shower, grab a bottle of Stimulus.™”