Elective Decisions

Mexico City—With accusations flying faster than Air Force One over Manhattan, Mexican President Felipe De Jesus Calderon Hinojosa is demanding an apology from President Obama, even though Obama got down on bended knee and begged his forgiveness weeks earlier.

The charge from Mexico came after reports surfaced that they had cases resulting in death when none had surfaced in the United States.  Other Mexican officials agree with President Calderon, claiming that the disease undoubtedly surfaced in America, and that “Obama is feigning stupidity when he is likely the reason behind it.”

“I know the disease came from America,” claimed President Calderon.  “And Obama can play stupid all he wants, but he knows that Mexicans have taken over the lead minority status in America.  If anything, this is blatant racism!  And all of this after giving you the taco, the burrito, the lowrider and the sopapilla.  All we get back from you is drugs, guns and now the swine flu.  I want my apology now!”

White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs says that he has no knowledge of the swine flu, and where it was caused, but that “the claims of Mexican President Calderon are preposterous.”

“These demands for an apology are utterly ridiculous,” stated Gibbs.  “I don’t know if he’ll apologize, especially after slobbering over President Calderon a few weeks ago, but I will check on that.  As far as being racist, that’s absurd.  Obama’s black.  He can’t be a racist.”

During a press conference at the White House, President Obama responded to President Calderon’s claims of racism.  “I wish to apologize to President Calderon for the swine flu,” stated Obama.  “If he says that the flu started in America, then I’ll have to take his word for it.  And just to make sure that I get more votes, I’ll happily bend over and grab the ankles to prove I’m not a racist.  Down with America!  Viva el Mexico!”

Washington, D.C.—And when it had come to pass, Obama went up to Capitol Hill.  There, he toiled for 100 days and prayed, hearing the voice of the Lord thy God.  And the Lord thy God said, “I am the Lord thy God.  Go ye unto the White House and take these new Ten Commandments.  For Americans have become exceedingly wicked, and let these corporations know that they are to let my people go!”

And Obama took the new Ten Commandments, and Republican congressmen fell to their knees in shame; then Obama went unto the White House.  There, he called the New York Times, and said, “Behold, I have heard the voice of the Lord thy God.  The Lord told me to tell all corporations that they are ‘to let my people go!’  Therefore, I am emailing you these new Ten Commandments to spread throughout America.”

And when he had emailed the commandments, the New York Times did publish them with a headline reading: Let My People Go!  The commandments read:

One:  Thou shall not pollute the Earth!

Two:  You shall not torture people in Guantanamo Bay!

Three:  No corporations or small business making over $250,000 shall make any profits!

Four:  Remember Obama’s Election Day and keep it holy!

Five:  Honor thy indigent and homeless, and return the corporation to the hands of the people!

Six:  You shall not evict people that can’t make their mortgage payments!

Seven:  You shall not steal from people by providing them with poor health coverage!

Eight:  You shall not allow the Bush administration officials to lie without prosecution!

Nine:  You shall not bear false witness against thy neighbor unless thy neighbor is Rush Limbaugh, Mark Levin, Sean Hannity, Glenn Beck, any conservative radio or television personality, including Fox News!

Ten:  You shall not covet they neighbor’s house, nor wife, nor Lexus, nor butler, nor maid, nor house keepers, nor boat, nor RV, nor private jet, nor golf clubs, nor home theater, nor bowling alley, nor anything else that would cause you to create wealth on the backs of the poor!

And when the American people read this, they rejoiced saying, “Obama you have heard the voice of the Lord thy God!  You will lead us from bondage!  You will smite big corporations and set us free!  Praise be unto thee!”

And Obama heard the cries of the people, and he spoke to the people on all the networks, except for Fox News; for they were exceedingly wicked as well.  Obama pounded his fist on the Oval Office desk, saying, “All corporations across America will let my people go!”

And when the trumpets sounded, the corporations and greedy business owners came a tumblin’ down!

West Palm Beach—After his weekend outing with his golf buddies, Rush Limbaugh will promote his new “Operation Slap A Liberal.”  The idea surfaced shortly after his broadcast Wednesday, April 22, 2009, when he summed up all the failures of Obama in his first 100 days.

The operation will celebrate Obama’s first 100 days by slapping a liberal closest to you for voting for incompetence.  During the program, he listed all of Obama’s failures in his first 100 days—right off the top of his head, knowing that there are many more.  These listed included:

1. Admiral Blair admitting the CIA received high value, life saving information from terrorists while President Obama is condemming the same interrogation as immoral and counterproductive.
2. President Obama is throwing and has thrown grand White House parties with Kobe beef—a $100/pound while telling the nation to cut back to survive the economic downturn.
3. Bowing to the King of Saudi Arabia.
4. Listening patiently and respectfully while a two-bit dictator—Daniel Ortega—lectures Obama with false charges for fifty minutes about the criminal country he leads, and Obama doesn’t stand up for his country once.
5. He has run around the world and apologized for the greatest, the most compassionate, the most innovative freedom loving country in world history.
6. Fidel Castro, one of Obamas’ idols, calling him superficial and setting him straight on how he handles political prisoners.
7. We had the nomination of tax cheats to his cabinets, including the man who overseas the IRS—five tax cheats in the Obama administration.
8. Obama’s joke of a press spokesman, who makes a complete idiot of himself on a daily basis.
9. He sends back a symbol of freedom—that bust of Sir Winston Churchill given to President Bush after 9/11—to Great Britain, just after moving into the White House.  He did it of his own volition.
10. He insulted the Prime Minister of England and the Queen of England, with embarrassing, thoughtless gifts.
11. We have the French President, Nicolas Sarkozy, ridiculing Obama’s messianic complex—inviting him to walk on water at Normandy Beach.
12. We have Iran taking a hostage—an American journalist—as Obama promises better relations.
13. We have North Korea humiliating Obama with their missile launch.
14. We have Obama putting the country in debt for generations to come while promising fiscal responsibility, offering up laughable budget cuts, banning lobbyists from his administration while appointing them left and right.
15. He openly lied, saying that Caterpillar would hire up with the passage of his stimulus bill, and watching while that company lays off thousands after the stimulus bill passes.
16. He pledges to close the prison at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, where I have a thriving merchandise business, but then he keeps it open with no plan for its future.
17. He proclaims total transparency while keeping secret the list of recipients on the TARP funds—when, where and why.
18. He is incapable of communicating without a teleprompter while the press declares he is a Reaganesque great communicator.
19. He attacks a private citizen broadcaster as part of an orchestrated plan to distract the country from policies and legislation we don’t want which thus touched off a political firestorm.  All of this while claiming to be a unifier.
20. He makes a ham handed attempt at nationalizing the banks to prevent them from paying back TARP money they don’t need or want.
21. He has made a bad situation worse with car manufacturers as the worst is yet to come.
22. He has hundreds of protests, involving hundreds of thousands of Americans at Tea Parties, regarding irresponsible government spending while his Homeland Security Chief labels peaceful demonstrating and veteran Americans as security risks.
23. He moves the census over to the U.S. Department of Commerce to politicize that.

So, on April 27, 2009, the promotion of “Operation Slap A Liberal” will kick into high gear, and on April 30, 2009, it will begin, as millions of Americans grab the closest liberal and slap them.

A source closed to Limbaugh said that the best way to handle this is to grab them by the collar or blouse, and repeatedly slap them and scream, “Wake the hell up!”  Of course, the source also noted that no eye gouging would be allowed so as to keep the violence to a minimum.

“I’m not going to tell you what to do,” adds the source, “but if you have a 2 x 4 nearby, then who am I to preclude you from picking it up.”

Washington, D.C.—In order to show French President Nicolas Sarkozy that he truly is the Messiah, he will walk on water at his 100 day anniversary.  The miraculous feat will be shown throughout the world on ABC, CBS, NBC, MSNBC, FOX, and CNN on April 30, 2009 at 10:00 p.m. EST.

The administration wanted this done to make sure it went out over the air instead of afterwards when the change to digital television might disenfranchise the impoverished and downtrodden.  Obama will walk across the length of an Olympic size swimming pool, thereby displaying his true greatness to the world.

His first 100 days have been historic, filled with an unprecedented display of courage, prostrating himself to the world, and gaining ground that was lost under the despots of the Bush administration.  After his world-wide apology tour, President Sarkozy still laughed at his image, and the administration has had enough.

So, he will perform this miracle to bring his detractors to their knees.  White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emmanuel has said that seeing this miracle will only show proof that he “is indeed the true Messiah.”

“President Sarkozy will come out looking like a fool,” states Emmanuel.  “But most of all, this will shut that windbag Rush Limbaugh up.”

Skeptics, like Limbaugh, have criticized Obama, claiming that he’s not the Messiah, and that “he has a God complex.”  But Obama assures us that he is truly “The One,” and that this feat will prove it.

“Uh…the problem we have here,” notes Obama, “is that people like Limbaugh have no faith.  And…uh…after I prove him wrong, I will open up my loving arms and bring conservatives into the fold.”

“Obama will not fail,” claims James Carville.  “He has been practicing every day.  We only have one problem.  He doesn’t like getting his feet wet…unless they’re anointed with oil.”

Washington—In an unprecedented act, the Environmental Protection Agency is now urging people to stop breathing.  After ruling on Friday, April 17, 2009, that “carbon dioxide, methane, nitrous oxide, hydro fluorocarbons, per fluorocarbons and sulfur hexafluoride have now reached unprecedented levels,” they feel it necessary to protect as many citizens as possible from the dangers of greenhouse gases that affect public health.

The agency also finds that climate change, created by these gases, have additional impacts on the environment, including but not limited to:

• increased drought;
• more heavy downpours and flooding;
• more frequent and intense heat waves and wildfires;
• greater sea level rise;
• more intense storms; and
• harm to water resources, agriculture, wildlife and ecosystems.

Knowing that Americans are incapable of taking measures themselves, the agency has created a list of activities that must be addressed to insure a healthy planet for your children and grandchildren.  The following activities include:

• No running
• No swimming
• No horseplay
• No walking
• No talking
• No hard work
• No heavy breathing of any kind
• No shouting
• And no crying.

“The best thing,” stated Administrator Lisa P. Jackson, “is for people to just stop breathing.  That will likely do more to help in climate change than any other thing.  We at the EPA know that we can count on you.  After all, it’s for the children.”

In a related update, the EPA is ready to release a memorandum on their results studying human flatulence—its harmful, psychological and dangerous impact on those around them and Earth’s fragile ecosystem.

Olympia, WA—Fed up with citizens smuggling detergent into Spokane, Washington, from Cour d’Alene, Idaho, Governor Christine Gregoire, D-WA, plans to form a Cascade Task Force.  The task force is being assembled to take down Washington state residents that egregiously violate the law.

Recently, the state legislature passed a law banning the sale of detergents that contain phosphates.  Since, citizens of Spokane, WA, have been visiting the nearby town of Cour d’ Alene, ID, feeling that these new environmentally safe brands don’t clean the dishes.  Detergents such as Cascade, Electrasol and Jet Dry are among the most smuggled brands of detergents, creating a problem that has run amok for environmental groups and Governor Gregoire.

Since, Gregoire has been forced to ramp up her efforts to save Washington and Mother Earth from its destruction via phosphates—“a devastation cruel to even Al Qaeda.”  Like Obama, she feels that the citizens need to make a little sacrifice in order to protect the planet.

“I don’t give a rat’s ass as to whether these environmental detergents work or not,” fired Gregoire.  “That’s not the point.  I can only tell you if my task force catches you, then plan on a lengthy stay in jail.  And if you’re conservative, please resist arrest…by all means.  I have authorized all necessary force required to do whatever it takes to bring these offenders to justice!”

With the pressure from environmental groups mounting, the task force was but a foregone conclusion.  It is going to be called “The Cascade Brigade.”  The brigade will stake out local Cour d’Alene super markets, scouting Washington license plates.  According to Gregoire, those caught with Cascade “in their possession” will have their license plates written down.  The undercover agents of the brigade will then radio ahead so awaiting state troopers can bust the miscreants.

“The fine for the first offense is a $1,000 fine and 90 days in jail,” Gregoire notes.  “The second offense is a $2,000 fine and 6 months in jail, and the third offense is a felony.  If you resist, you get to spend time in jail with a cracked skull.  Nothing is too extreme for this precious planet.  So go ahead and push the envelope if you dare.  And if we see a Rush Is Right or an NRA bumper sticker, you will be approached as if you are armed and dangerous!”

Concepts by cynwoody and NVA.

Washington—After taking a trip to Mexico, Venezuela, and reading Chavez’s history book, Barack Obama is now ready to propose the building of old Soviet-Era Gulags to house conservatives.  The bold new measure, gaining tons of support in congress, is said to be the “first real sign of significant change in America.”

The use of the Department of Homeland Security, the CIA, the FBI and the NSA has been authorized personally by Barack Obama himself, showing that he indeed does have the marbles needed to make tough decisions in times of crisis.  Obama felt it was that his office needed to take drastic measures to implement his kind of change, saying “that it was time to round up these extremists and Tea Party attendees.”

“What we’ve got here,” added Obama, “is the kind of sweeping legislation that will rid us of extremism.  The first three people to be rounded up will be Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity and Mark Levin.  It’s my advice to the publisher to stop printing Liberty and Tyranny: A Conservative Manifesto, or I’ll just take them over too.”

A hotline has been established—with the Department of Homeland Security—in order to turn in your neighbors, co-workers and “people espousing liberty.”  Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano ardently supports this measure to help protect and defend America from terrorists like these.

“I applaud President Obama for these actions,” noted Napolitano.  “America must be protected from these right wing whack jobs.  There are so many that are going to be sent to the new gulags, and I know that you know many as well.  Just as it is your patriotic duty to pay taxes, it’ll be your patriotic duty to turn in these extremists.  Let’s see if they like water boarding.”  

Washington—In a stunning revelation, Janet Napolitano and the Department of Homeland Security have declared that Mark R. Levin is an “extremist,” and must be monitored to protect the nation.  The announcement came after Levin’s book, Liberty and Tyranny: A Conservative Manifesto, was still number one on the New York Times bestseller list.

After responding to widespread criticism of the recent report that warned law enforcement agencies to be on guard for right wing extremists, she stood tall, defending the report and assaulting Levin and his book.

“Let me be very clear here,” declared Napolitano.  “We have to protect the nation from foreign and domestic terrorists.  Normally, we don’t focus on a citizen here or there, but this man is dangerous.  His book, Liberty and Tyranny: A Conservative Manifesto, harms this government.  He has to be stopped.  I intend to go after this guy with guns blazing.”

“Normally, you only have to worry about these whacko military veterans,” added Napolitano, “but Levin is a rare exception.  It’s hard enough to unite a country with Levin peddling this garbage he calls a book.”

When asked if he knew anything about the targeting of Levin, Obama stated, “Levin is not the kind of change we need in this country.  I trust that Janet will do everything within her power to silence this moron.  Whatever you do, don’t buy this idiot’s book, it only helps his cause.”

Washington—During a speech at the White House Rose Garden, Barack Obama vowed that acts of piracy will “face a firing squad.”  The speech came shortly after four more ships suffered attacks from pirates, and pirates vowed “to hunt down and kill Americans.”  These actions forced Obama to take a hard line, threatening to end piracy once and for all.

Mr. Obama has apparently moved piracy up on his agenda—second only to taxing Americans—and is willing to work with other nations in the world to rid Africa of this “insidious threat.”

“I’m not going to stand for these illegal acts,” fired Obama.  “We’re going to end piracy for good.  We will not stand idly by while my native home of Africa is torn apart by these thugs.  No court, no habeas corpus, just a wall and a firing squad.  I will personally give the order myself.”

But as more ships get attacked, many wonder if Obama has the marbles necessary to tackle the issue head on.  “Let me be very clear,” Obama added.  “I am vowing with every fiber in my body to end this scourge upon the planet.  I can assure you that the penalty for piracy is death with no possibility of reprieve or parole.”

White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs told reporters that “other than taxes, there is nothing more important on President Obama’s agenda.”

“The president has made his intentions clear,” stated Gibbs.  “We will hunt them down with extreme prejudice.  And we even have a fun way of doing it.  We put a Rush Limbaugh mask over their heads, and then we shoot them right between the eyes.  It’s not that big a deal.”

Spokane, WA—What was once a scenic, peaceful drive along I-90 into Coeur d’Alene, Idaho, has now turned into a dangerous highway where state troopers use Gestapo-like tactics to enforce environmental laws.  Its victims have been threatened, coerced, and now tasered.

Once such man—Jon Yablonski—suffered this very fate for violating Washington law, a law passed to prohibit the sale of dishwashing detergents containing phosphates in them.  Among those detergents are Cascade and Electrasol—some of the finest detergents in use today.

Yablonski, unsatisfied with the environmental friendly detergents, made the trip after work to pick up some Cascade.  He says he made the trip because his wife was tired of hand washing the dishes.

“At first,” Yablonski says, “we tried the Trader Joe’s brand, but that didn’t work.  Then, the wife tried to wash them by hand, something she had never done before, and that was a disaster.  So, she nagged me until I went over to Coeur d’Alene to pick up the detergent that did the job.”

He tells us that after picking up the Cascade detergent, he was driving back into Washington when he noticed the flashing lights of a police car in his rearview mirror.  Yablonski glanced at his speedometer, and according to him, wasn’t speeding, but pulled over to abide by the law.

He suddenly remembered that the detergent was sitting next to him in the passenger seat of his Ford Expedition.  He grabbed the detergent when he suddenly heard, “Put down the Cascade and get out of the car, sir!”

Yablonski stepped out of the car, and before he could ask what he’d done, the voltage surged through his body as if he’d been stuck with a thousand needles until he’d blacked out.

“It was embarrassing,” Yablonski claimed.  “I woke up in the back of a police car, and I’d soiled myself.  The cop told me he was taking me to jail for smuggling Cascade across the border.  My wife bailed me out, and now I’m waiting on adjudication.  When will these Gestapo tactics stop?  We just want clean dishes!”