Elective Decisions

Atlanta, GA—At Deutsch, Deutsch and Deutsch, law wasn’t just for the court rooms, it was a part of everyday life.  However, on Thursday, May 28, 2009, things changed dramatically.  Two of the members of the law office decided to dress up as Latina women in salute to Barack Obama’s Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor.

The two white men, Rob Petrie and Joe Bullock, declared their intentions to their boss and senior partner, Bill Deutsch.  And on Thursday, May 28, 2009, they came into the office dressed as two Latina women with long black wigs, high heels and black robes.  The two men, now calling themselves Esperanza and Cambia, showed up for work on time.

The office operated efficiently as normal until lunch.  That’s when things got out of control.  The break room went from a scene of tranquility to chaos, as racial expletives began to fly.  Apparently, Esperanza and Cambia began to point their fingers at the white male lawyers and yell, “racists!”

Fearing that the situation would only escalate, Deutsch responded by immediately firing the employees.  When the two men failed to leave the office, the police were called to haul them off the property.  As they were being hauled away, the entire office could hear them yelling, “You’re all racist!  This is what it’s like for Latina women everywhere.  God bless, Sonia Sotomayor!”

Afterwards, Deutsch responded by saying that he wanted to give them their freedom to dress as they choose, but “blatant racism isn’t tolerated at Deutsch, Deutsch and Deutsch.”

“I appreciate the fact that they’re supporting the Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayer,” added Duetsch, “but I wasn’t going to stand by and let them harangue fellow co-workers.  They told me they wanted the ‘full, Latina experience, and that this would make them even better lawyers.’  Instead, I gave them the full unemployed experience.”

After their release from Fulton County jail on Friday, May 29, 2009, both men filed a civil suit on the grounds of discrimination.  They told Elective Decisions that “whitey was the problem in America, and that justice would finally be delivered.”

“I don’t care if you have to rewrite the U.S. Constitution to do it,” fired Esperanza.  “It’s high time we had real justice in America.  God bless you, Sonia!”

“The U.S. Constitution has been in the way of Hispanics long enough,” declared Cambia.  “Losing our jobs is just another indication of what it’s really like in America.  If we had more judges like Sotomayor and less lawyers like Mark Levin, America might be a much better place to live.”

Washington—In a bold, yet tear-filled press conference, Sonia Sotomayor guaranteed her confirmation on the Supreme Court, and urged Americans to remain calm as she rewrites the U.S. Constitution.  The tears came when she accepted the nomination as both Obama and Biden practically slobbered in her presence.

“What we’ve seen over the last 230 plus years,” stated Sotomayor, “is that the U.S. Constitution is outdated.  It was written by whitey for whitey.  I’m here to change all of that.  So remain calm in your homes while I replace your job with a less than qualified minority candidate.”

Sotomayor challenged Senate Republicans to try and stop her from confirmation, going as far as to guarantee that no one could touch her.  “I know I’ll be on the court,” added Sotomayor.  “No Republican will even think about touching me.  I’m a Hispanic woman, and that’s gold in Washington.  John Roberts better think about removing himself from Chief Justice, because this Chica is taking over!”

Senate Republicans, however, said that they were willing to dig as deep as they could to keep her off the court.  “We’re going to dig so deep it hurts,” noted Sen. Mitch McConnell, R-KY.  “By the time we’re through, she’ll feel like she’s had a colonoscopy.  The thought of her painful confirmation sends a tingle down my leg.”

Russell Kirk once wrote, “A conservative is not, by definition, a selfish or a stupid person; instead, he is a person who believes that there is something in life worth saving.”  The same must be said for a patriot.  In their view, America is something not to be hated or despised; rather, it is something that is worth saving—a country that has more to offer than any other in the world.

Those indelible qualities have been incorporated into America’s soul from its founding. These patriots sought a Republic as moral, as just and divine as any in the world. They sought an America full of hope and inspiration for all of mankind. And they founded a country bathed in God’s wisdom, dedicated to liberty and based in economic prosperity, setting a shining example for those that choose to follow. In our forefathers’ wisdom, they handed down an America that should be cherished and celebrated with every waking moment.  And on Memorial Day we salute those very patriots.

 Patriots are—by their very essence—the brightest of spots in America’s past and the brightest of hope for their future.  It was their sense of respect and duty that led these Americans to believe that America was a beacon in the darkness, a country worth sacrificing all they had to give.

One of these such patriots was Major General Nathanael Greene, a patriot of the Revolutionary War, and an American that ascended from a militia private to become one of General George Washington’s most dependable officers.  In May of 1775, he was promoted to Brigadier General of the Rhode Island Army of Observation in response to the siege at Boston.  He was given command of Boston after Howe had evacuated the city in March of 1776.

In August of 1776, he was promoted to be one of the four Major Generals, and was given command of the Continental Army troops at Long Island.  He was prominent in advising General Washington in burning New York upon its retreat so that the British couldn’t use the city.  At the Battle of Trenton, Greene commanded one of the columns, helping to secure victory there.

Greene was also helpful in defeat to General Cornwallis in the South, dividing his troops in retreat while forcing Cornwallis to divide his.  This led to a victory at Cowpens for General David Morgan, capturing approximately 800 British soldiers.

Greene once said, “I am determined to defend my rights and maintain my freedom or sell my life in the attempt.”  Nothing would exemplify those words more than his engagement of the British at Eulaw Springs.  After giving his soldiers six weeks rest at the Santee River, Greene engaged the British with 2,600 soldiers.  The match was decidedly a draw, but weakened the British so much that they were forced to retreat to Charleston.

“Permit me then to recommend from the sincerity of my heart,” stated Greene, “ready at all times to bleed in my country’s cause, a Declaration of Independence, and call upon the world and the Great God who governs it to witness the necessity, propriety and rectitude thereof.”

It was those guiding principles that led Major General Nathanael Greene to fight for the American cause.  In so doing, he became a patriot, and is one of many that we remember on Memorial Day.

There was also General William Alexander, who, at the beginning of the Revolutionary War was given the rank of colonel in the New Jersey militia, outfitting them at his own expense.  In March of 1776, Congress appointed him Brigadier General in the Continental Army, and in August of that year led repeated attacks against a superior British force in the Battle of Long Island.  Outnumbered 25-1, Alexander was taken prisoner, and because of his actions at Long Island was labeled “the bravest man in America.”

He was released in a prisoner exchange, promoted to the rank of Major General, and because he was one of Washington’s most trusted generals, he was placed in command of the entire Continental Army for two months while Washington attended to personal affairs.  He distinguished himself for bravery in the battle of Brandywine, Monmouth, and Germantown.  And when General Washington took his army south, he appointed Alexander commander of the northern army.

He died in Albany on January 15, 1783, months before the end of the Revolutionary War.  For his bravery and dedication to the American cause, we honor him today on Memorial Day.

And there was Lieutenant Colonel George Rogers Clark of the Virginia Militia, where, in 1778, he took 175 men, crossing the Ohio River on the night of July 4^th taking Kaskaskia, Cahokia, Vicennes, and several other villages and forts.  His victory that night was celebrated, and helped to secure the alliance with France.

In 1781, Clark was promoted to Brigadier General after his resounding victory near the Shawnee village at Pekowee.  George Mason called him “the conqueror of the Northwest,” and he was later credited for doubling the size of the original thirteen colonies.

Clark died after his second stroke on February 13, 1818 at Locust Grove, Kentucky.  Most of his life was spent in debt, having financed his campaigns with borrowed funds.  It wasn’t until 1928 when President Calvin Coolidge ordered a memorial for Clark that he was recognized fully for his service in the Revoltionary War.  Today, however, on Memorial Day, we recognize General George Rogers Clark for his dedication to America and its people.

These patriots have rooted themselves in America.  They have provided a blessing of liberty, security of person and property, and a legacy for those that follow to continue to defend the American cause.  Even the most humble of us derive great benefit from these individuals.

These patriots have given us more than they have taken from this great country.  So, on Memorial Day, say a prayer and thank the thousands of patriots—from the Revolutionary War to Iraq—that have come and gone in defense of America and its posterity for generation after generation.

Washington—In what could only be defined as the first real legislation designed to keep liberals out of National Parks, Republicans have brought a victory for the National Rifle Association and its proponents.  The amendment, added to the Credit Card Holders Bill of Rights, was signed by President Obama, and deviously added by Sen. Tom Coburn, R-OK.

The move to add the amendment was described by Coburn “as a typical Democrat tactic used against them.”  Coburn also said that the amendment was provided “to protect conservatives’ hygiene from funky liberals.”

“Generally,” stated Coburn, “liberals are people that tend to forget that body odor carries.  They also frequently break the law in these parks, and put the health of conservatives, and their children, in extreme danger.  This measure was designed to keep them from doing any more damage to places like Yellowstone National Park.”

A spokeswoman, Kendra Barkoff, warned “that liberals everywhere should stay at home, instead of vacationing in the National Parks.”  “This new legislation is going to tax us to the limits of our constabulary.  I’m afraid that keeping liberals safe will be more than we can handle in the coming years.”

Many worry that it will be open season for liberals with this new amendment.  Others, still, can’t wait for February to come, including Jeremiah Johnson, a 55-year old Chrysler retiree.

“I can’t wait for February,” stated an eager Johnson.  “I’m loaded for bear.  If I so much as see another ‘Save the Planet’ bumper sticker on another mini-van without the passengers wearing any blaze orange, I’m blastin’ away!”

Boston, MA—Sick of Cheney, Limbaugh and conservatism, Colin Powell told 1,500 people that he is tired of Cheney and Limbaugh’s constant resonation of conservatism, and their unabashed advancement of their version of the Republican Party.

Powell went on to state that “these two individuals are wrecking any chance of the Republican Party’s return to power.”  “These two are wreaking havoc on Obama,” claims Powell.  “They’re holding the Republican Party back, and if they don’t shut up, they’ll ruin America.  I’d personally like to take that ‘Golden EIB’ microphone and shove it down Limbaugh’s throat.  And don’t even get me started on Cheney and Halliburton.  Neither one of these individuals understand what it means to reach out.”

But Cheney and Limbaugh are fighting back, telling Powell to get out of the Republican Party.  “Get this loser out of the party,” fired Limbaugh.  “He’s not part of the party I signed up for, and I’m sure as hell not going to support him.”

“Back in my heyday,” adds Cheney, “we’d have taken him out behind the barn and given him a man’s size butt kicking.  I’d love to fly to Boston right now to do just that.  It would make me feel good all over.”

But Powell isn’t backing down, claiming that “these extremists are not part of the party I joined.”  “Cheney and Limbaugh might as well break out the jack boots and snap to,” blasts Powell.  “With their lack of tolerance, we’ll never be the same GOP again.  Americans want big government.  It’s obvious.  Limbaugh and Cheney are just hanging onto the failed policies of Reagan.  Individual liberty is so 1980s.  It’s time to branch out.”

Washington—In what could be only be described as following in the finest traditions of Admiral Boorda, Rep. Nancy Pelosi, D-CA, is set to commit seppuku to avoid having to resign while saving her honor and the honor of the Democratic Party.  As of now, a Rasmussen survey reflects a statistical dead heat, with 43% of Americans believing the CIA lied to Nancy Pelosi and 41% of Americans believing that Nancy Pelosi lied.

The poll, done on May 16-17, was conducted with 1,000 likely voters.  The results have practically sealed Nancy Pelosi’s fate.  So, on Monday, May 25, 2009, Nancy Pelosi will appear on ABC, CBS, NBC, MSNBC and FOX news, carrying out the act of seppuku to align herself with Admiral Boorda, and spare the Democratic Party of a nasty investigation by Congressional Republicans and independent counsel.

In preparation, Pelosi has written a suicide note.  It reportedly says:

My fellow Americans,

Although I’ve spent years screwing you, I feel that it is not too late to spare the country from further embarrassment.  I have been caught in a lie, and my career is heading into the toilet.  I can no longer bear the thought of putting the Democratic Party through another scandal.  In order to save more members of Congress from investigation, I feel carrying out seepuku is the only honorable thing to do.  I know, in my heart, Admiral Boorda would’ve approved.  I know of no other course of action that will satisfy conservatives. In the spirit of reaching out, I leave all my dresses to Jane Harman, and the number for my plastic surgeon to Hillary Clinton. 

Sincerely,

Speaker Nancy Pelosi

James Carville says that the act of seppuku isn’t too extreme for Pelosi.  “I hate to say it,” stated Carville.  “But I think Nancy is doing the right thing.  The last thing we need is more embarrassment for the Democratic Party.  Right now they’re making me more nervous than a long tail cat in a room full of rocking chairs.  So, she is taking the appropriate action.  Admirable Boorda did it for far less.  We’ll miss her.”

New York—Not to be outdone by Elizabeth Edwards, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has decided to publish a series of books on her husband’s trysts.  The book will detail affair after affair, and all of the excrement she had to eat during her time in Arkansas and Washington.

Reportedly, the first two volumes are complete.  However, the White House years—a lengthy series of books—won’t be finished until late 2010.  Hillary has grown weary of the attention the media paid to Elizabeth Edwards for just one affair, and feels it’s time she got her dues.

Volume One is to be titled, It Took A Village, volume two is to be titled, Pretty In Pink, and the first volume in the White House series is to be entitled, Billy Does The Village.  Titles being floated for other volumes include, Bubba Goes To Washington, That’s The Bubba We Really Do Know, It’s My Life Too Damn It and Tip Of The Spear.

Hillary has been complaining since John Edwards was outed that Elizabeth was treated like a victim for his one little ole indiscretion.  She insists that she has suffered far more than Liz has ever suffered.  So, she plans on detailing that to the entire world, beginning June 24, 2009.

“I’m sick of little miss innocent,” whined Hillary.  “One little ole affair and it makes front page news.  She needs to suck it up.  When she reads my book, she’ll realize just how lucky she was with one.  She has no idea how much of my dignity I had to lose to get to the White House.  She obviously doesn’t want it bad enough.”

A global book tour has been planned, intertwining it with Hillary’s Secretary of State duties.  For once, when it comes to the Clintons, Hillary will be the one on top.

“This is a great idea,” exclaimed James Carville.  “This will not only put her on the front page, but it’ll paint her a victim.  That’s perfect for the Democratic Party.  And this will be a long series, because Bill has laid more pipe than Roto Rooter.”

Concepts and contribution by L

Washington—With Nancy Pelosi’s political career sinking faster than the Titanic, blood thirsty Republicans are keeping score.  Republicans are not going to let her off the hook, insuring that they will take her out at the knees if needed.  They plan on playing the kind of hardball politics that made she used so often.

Thursday, May 14, 2009, Pelosi blasted the CIA, claiming that they lied to her about torture.  “Yes, the CIA mislead me,” Pelosi said, firing both barrels.  “They misled Congress.  Just like Bush.  They lied.  Bush lied.  And they’re not going to get away with it!”

Republicans, however, aren’t going to allow her to get away with the usual Democrat shenanigans.  Rep. John Boehner, R-OH, said that “it is hard to imagine that anyone from an intelligence agency would misled any member of Congress.”

“She’s trying to lie her way out of this,” added Boehner.  “But we’re not going to let it happen.  She can hold all the press conferences that she wants.  But we’re going to dig and dig and dig.  In the end, I have an axe handle in my hand that’s aimed right at her knees.  I can’t wait to use it.”

“This is great,” laughed Rep. Mike Pence, R-IN.  “To watch that witch going down is a thing of beauty.  And we’re going to take her out so that she won’t event think about running for county commissioner.  I just wish I had popcorn in the House Chamber when it happens.”

But Pelosi isn’t taking it lying down.  She has entered into a war of words with the CIA, and plans to keep up the fight until the fight is won.  “If the CIA thinks they can take me down, they need to think again,” shouted Pelosi.  “If Republicans want to take a shot at me, they can just bring it on.  Especially those fruit cakes over at Free Republic!”

Washington, D.C.—In a not so shocking discovery, a new poll taken by Zogby, International, has revealed that former Vice President Dick Cheney, and talk radio icon Rush Limbaugh should just shut up.  The poll is the first of its kind to actually target two individuals that aren’t involved in politics in regards to running for office, as well as sampling all respondents entirely in Washington, D.C.

The polling was of 1,200 likely mainstream media voters, conducted over May 6-8, 2009, and came in with an overwhelming number – 100 %—of respondents saying both Cheney and Limbaugh should shut their mouths.  The margin of error was +/-0 percentage points due to the localized area of sampling.

The poll reveals, as we enter a dark period for the Republican Party, that the party must oust some of the old fashioned, principled party members.  It clearly states that Dick Cheney and Rush Limbaugh have had their heyday, and must be exorcised to cleanse the new Republican Party.  These new leaders include General Colin Powell, Senator John McCain, and Senator Lindsey Graham—progressive Republicans that are willing to bend and shape a new America—according to the 1,200 media respondents.

The media respondents were unified when asked whether Dick Cheney and Rush Limbaugh could be the devil.  One hundred percent of voters agree that both Dick Cheney and Rush Limbaugh could be the devil, and that they are part of the reason America is in the mess that it’s in.

When asked should both Limbaugh and Cheney be taken to Guantanamo Bay and water boarded, one hundred percent of respondents say that they should be water boarded.  They also agree that both Limbaugh and Cheney should be frog marched in handcuffs, and have their mug shots aired on every television news channel in the country—whatever it takes to shut them up.

Melissa Guiterrez, a 27-year old reporter for CNN, agrees one hundred percent with the poll.  “This is not shocking news to me,” states Guiterrez.  “Both Cheney and Limbaugh are threats and need to be taken out with extreme prejudice.  Come on, Obama.  Let’s get the show on the road.”

“If we’re lucky,” notes Jimmy Dushanks, a 41-year old anchor in Duluth, Minnesota.  “Maybe Cheney will kill over with a heart attack on Meet The Press or something.  That would be the best.”

In general, when asked if they were tolerant of other people, one hundred percent of those polled stated that they were extremely tolerant of other people.  Unanimously, all respondents said they were also impartial when covering the news, and that “General Colin Powell was a far better representative of the Republican Party than Rush Limbaugh or Dick Cheney.”

“I’m not a hateful person,” comments Cynthia Mitchell, a 51-year old reporter for ABC, “but I hate Rush Limbaugh and Dick Cheney with a passion.  I hope they die, die, die!  I just love Colin Powell.  See how tolerant I am?”

Los Angeles—After testing positive for a performing enhancing drug, Manny Ramirez has decided to follow Barack Obama’s example and take no responsibility for his actions.  Ramirez was suspended by Major League Baseball for 50 games for failing his drug test.  Since his suspension, the Dodgers are urging him to address his fellow teammates, explaining his actions.

 Manager Joe Torre was less than sympathetic, telling reporters that Manny should do the right thing.  “If he doesn’t step up to the plate,” fired Torre, “I’m going to personally cut off all his dreadlocks!  This isn’t the minor leagues.  I’m sick of Manny being Manny.”

 Ramirez, however, had declined to take personal responsibility for his actions, claiming that he is following President Obama’s example with the flyover in Manhattan.  Instead, he plans to blame his doctor, the pharmaceutical company, Major League Baseball, and Los Angeles Dodger fans for his actions.

 “It’s really not my fault,” stated Ramirez.  “The pressure put on me by the fans, the organization and Major League Baseball created the incident.  I have been compelled to tell them to shove it.  I am also blaming the doctor and the pharmaceutical company for failing to tell me this would show up in a urinalysis.  The next thing I’m going to do is sue all of them!  If Obama can do it, so can I!”