Elective Decisions

It was twin betrayal night at the presser of President Obama. First his beloved wife Michelle and then his newest Best Friend Forever, TOTUS, gave bad advice and even worse guidance.

You see, during preparation for the conference Obama asked Michelle to check the “tonsils” statement, the one that accused the good pediatricians of America of feathering their bed with high-priced procedures off the reimbursement list. She saw the words about list-checking and said, “yes, that was the way we selected patients at my hospital and no doubt those miserable doctors do the same.” The line stayed in and the reverberations can still be heard.

The failure of TOTUS, the Teleprompter Of The United States, was devastating, though. Every version of TOTUS software since service pack 1 had programming for the third cardinal rule of teleprompting:

“3) when the words ‘I do not know the details’ are to be displayed, they MUST be followed by the phrase ‘so I will not comment any further.’”

Obviously this was not the case Wednesday evening when the President launched into a racial diatribe, slapping down his King to Harvard professor’s lead of the Ace of Race Card trumps.

When consulted by FOX News for an expert opinion, President George W Bush’s prompter had two explanations for the breakdown. “First,” the prompter displayed on the crawl line, “someone could have failed to plug in the prompter’s location and let it default to Chicago. This was a problem with that model; they always were twitchy about message-framing for locale.”

When asked if there were any other explanations, the Bush prompter displayed “[sigh], there is that executive override button under the right hand edge of the podium. Perhaps POTUS in his glee at the hanging curve ball of a question made the fatal mistake and pushed the reset button. I think it was Hillary who installed it, by the way.”

So there you have it, sports fans, President Obama can rightfully say that it was the fault of his loved ones and walk away to presser another day.

     Extraneous Wind reporting.

New York—Even though Palin’s exodus has the media buzzing, there is a quiet whisper in the northeast that this could lead to a 2012 Presidential bid for the White House.  Throughout the halls of Harvard and Yale, and in the Washington D.C. beltway, a growing apprehension is turning into fear.

For many “conservatives” inside the beltway, Palin’s resignation as Governor of Alaska means only one thing: hoedowns at the White House.  This, of course, would be acceptable only to the rubes that occupy flyover country—the same kind of Americans that dared to elect Ronald Reagan and advocate for the social conservative cause, an unmitigated disaster for all things fine in life.

As the silence continues from Palin, “conservatives” in the northeast are scared out of their wits.  Not only does she no longer have the Republican Party to keep her “in line,” but now she can drum up support amongst the “natives,” sitting down to eat grits with southerners, going hunting and fishing with hicks in the Midwest, and worst yet: frequenting sites like Free Republic—an internet site that makes even the brightest of Harvard intellectuals feel as though a veil of shame has been draped over them.

“Her attire is ghastly,” cackled Peggy Noonan.  “She is a fashion train wreck, and doesn’t she have something like twenty children?  It’s awful to think of her in our White House…it baffles the mind.”

“What’s even scarier to think about,” commented New York Times Columnist David Brooks, “is that she might even serve Sloppy Joe’s at a cocktail party.  Not to mention, she fishes and hunts.  Oh, God, now I need a Martini.”

“This woman could tear down the entire Republican Party,” said Joe Bankston III.  “She practically has no money, her husband works for a living, and she’s admitted that she’s a protestant.  And you’re out with three strikes as far as I’m concerned.”

“Every time we talk about her at cocktail parties,” stated Andrew Sullivan, “the movie Deliverance comes up.  It would be as if we had the television show Hee Haw on display for the rest of the world.  And to make matters worse…she’s pro life.  Dear God help us all!”

 “I’m afraid I fear the worst,” added Peggy Noonan.  “All she needs is Buck Owens and a banjo.  The thought of that makes me queasy.  All one needs to say when talking about Ms. Palin is that she is liked by Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity and Mark Levin, and that gets a belly full of laughter at a cocktail party. God almighty!  Where have all the good “conservatives” gone?  Too bad Arnold Schwarzenegger isn’t a native born citizen.  He’s the sort of strapping individual we need.”

Carol Stream, IL—Ron Bellarsky once lived a normal, happy life, going to work and home on a daily basis.  But lately, Ron has been distracted.  Far too distracted to go to work, take care of his kids or even get a good night’s sleep.  It isn’t Barack Obama prancing through Russia that has him distracted.  It’s Sarah Palin and her resignation that has left an ugly scar on his world.

At least that’s what Bellarsky claims.  He says that she’s interrupted the smooth flow of every day life, and “that she needs to just go away to help bring all things back into focus.”

“This is ridiculous,” claimed Bellarsky.  “I haven’t had a good night’s sleep since July 2^nd.  Can’t she just go away without all the press coverage?  She ruined my entire life and destroyed my July 4^th holiday.  Stop the insanity!”

Once a mild mannered postal employee, Bellarsky continues to suffer under the Palin speculation and constant media coverage.  “It was an awful experience,” stated Bellarsky.  “I went into work on Monday, and I couldn’t even sort the mail.  I just shrunk into a corner and started sobbing uncontrollably.”

“He has improved,” added Barabara Bellarsky.  “Since the shock therapy, he doesn’t sit there and drool anymore.  I can see hope and change on the horizon.  Now if we can just get that Michael Jackson out of the news, life would be wonderful!”

As pundits, media and Americans at water coolers continue to speculate on Palin, psychiatrists everywhere wonder just how many Americans will suffer the same fate as Ron Bellarsky.