Elective Decisions

North Pole—In a stunning revelation, a new CNN poll revealed that elves overwhelmingly support government run healthcare.  The results showed that 88% of workers gave the public option a big thumbs up while 10% were opposed to the public option, leaving 2% undecided.

The problem, according to the U.T.W. (United Toy Workers), was that benefits had been slashed because of a recessing economy.  The U.T. W. feels that Santa has been less than forgiving when it comes to their Constitutional right to healthcare, saying that “he better step up to the plate or a lot of kids are going to be disappointed this Christmas.”

“Healthcare is a right,” stated Sheila Bertowsky, a spokeswoman for the U.T.W., “and Santa better get off his fat ass and do something about it right now.  If he doesn’t, we’ll walk out, and nobody wants a strike during Christmas.”

“The problem is that Santa is just like any other big corporation,” claimed Ezekiel Man, President of the U.T.W.  “He wants to stick it to the little guy.  Well the elves have said no.  Hell no!  He’s just another fat cat, but this time we’re not backing down!  We’re going to break the man!  Power to the people!”

Some of the other lists of grievances are said to be poor working conditions, no coffee breaks, outdated equipment and wages that can’t keep up with inflation.  The elves plan to meet on Wednesday, December 16, 2009, to determine if they will walk out.  They have sent a letter to President Obama in hopes that he can strong arm Santa and prevent Christmas from stopping.  However, many in Congress are pessimistic, giving Obama a solid F in negotiating.

“I can’t work in these conditions,” fired Ernest Bynum, Chief Systems Administrator that has worked for Santa for over 50 years.  “I asked for Windows Vista and what do I get?  Apple Computers with OS X 10.6 Snow Leopard.  This is absurd!  Everyone hates a cheap skate!”

“If Santa can just learn to reach across the aisle,” added Senator John McCain, “then Christmas will be wonderful as usual.  It’s a time tested formula.  Just look how it’s worked for me.”

Hopes are not high that Harry Reid will get healthcare passed before Christmas.  Experts do agree that Christmas may be gloomier than expected, and many wonder, with so much riding on Congress and Obama, if the children will be totally screwed.

“If Congress doesn’t act soon,” exclaimed Joan Wilshire, Vice President of Research and Toy Development, “then there are going to be some Congressional grandchildren with sad faces on Christmas morning!”

Corpus Christi, TX—In a bold, yet prosperous move, Don Quixoté Bus Lines will now be the official carriers of illegal immigrants.  The move comes on the heels of a deal struck with Mexican President Felipe De Jesus Calderon Hinijosa to carry patrons from the Mexican border to cities across the fruited plains.

Don Quixoté was a local tourist bus that has now fallen on hard times.  And in the darkest economy since Franklin Roosevelt’s regime, Don Quixoté is reaching out to save the small tourist bus line.  With their profit margins shrinking, they have no choice but to jump into a lucrative market.  At least that’s what owner Felix Alessandro says.

“After going over the numbers with my accountant, I had to make a decision for the company’s future,” claims Alessandro.  “I can’t just let the big carriers corner the market.  I am rolling the dice to tap into the Latino market.  In fact, our new slogan is ‘No ID, No Inglés, No Problemo!’  Besides, illegal immigrants have a right to get from departure to arrival safely.”

The company also claims that they will have a translator on each bus to help the undocumented workers easily navigate hostile American territory, and that “there is no place the company won’t travel to satisfy its customers!”

“This is a great day for Mexico,” stated President Hinojosa.  “Not only do I get rid of many undesirable Mexicans, but I am helping to save a less than desired mode of travel.  I know President Bush would’ve approved.  Remember, we’re supplying the workforce for jobs Americans won’t do.”

“This is excellente,” quipped Senator John McCain.  “Viva Don Quixoté!  Viva el Mexico!”

The company even has a new advertisement that will air, beginning in January.  The ad shows us a white bus with the letters Don Quixoté in bold letters across its side.  As the flag of Mexico gently waves, the voice of Edward James Olmos echoes in the background:

Olmos:  Don Quixoté is here to serve Mexico.  No bus line does it better than Don Quixote Bus Lines, nor does any bus line offer Tecate Beer and Menudo at all their stops.  We’ll get you from your departure to arrival safely without interference from La Migra.  There is no waiting and no riding in the back of the bus.  So ride Don Quixoté Bus Lines for the experience of a lifetime.

Then the face of Juan appears—a Mexican national wearing a New York Yankees baseball cap.  Behind him stands an interpreter with the U.S. flag pin on his lapel, interpreting words from Juan into English.

Interpreter:  Whenever I want to rape, pillage and plunder, I choose to ride Don Quixoté lines.  The service was fabulous, the help courteous, and they got me to New York without being deported.  After I mugged a couple of tourists, I’ve been sitting in jail with three hot meals a day.  All paid for by the New York taxpayer, and I owe it all to Don Quixoté Bus Lines.  They’re the best in the business.

Olmos:  Once the coyote sneaks your friends and relatives across the border, don’t you want them to ride with the best?  Then have them ride with Don Quixoté Bus Lines—a bus line Mexicans everywhere can trust.  No ID, No Inglés, No Problemo!”

Thornton, CO—In what was usually a scene of tranquility, has become a hot bed of controversy for a local department store.  The once, peaceful Super Target at 1001 E. 120^th Avenue in Thornton, Colorado, where shoppers bravely navigated the snow covered ground, has been turned into a store where Christian hating and bashing has become the order of the day.

The retail outlet, which has been increasingly antagonistic towards Christians in general, ramped up their hostility this week when the less than benevolent 52-year old manager, Jack Cass, declared on Friday “that he would fire the next Christian that said ‘Merry Christmas.’”  Unfortunately, it appears to have been his last act as the general manager of the retail location.

Co-workers who witnessed the violent altercation on Sunday, December 06, 2009, stated that Vanessa Gospel—a 50-year old clerk from Northglenn, Colorado—placed purchased items into a bag for a regular customer, Jerry Willishensky.  Upon giving the customer his receipt, she wished Mr. Willishensky a “Merry Christmas.”

These witnesses also claim that at that very moment, Jack Cass, walked up behind Ms. Gospel and told her that she was fired.  As one employee states, “She turned to Jack Cass, kicked him in the crotch, saying, ‘In that case, Christ has a present for you!’”

“Immediately thereafter,” the witness added, “she caught him with a right cross that sent him to the floor like a sack of potatoes.  He lay there groping his crotch, screaming, ‘Get her off of me,’ before finally passing out.”

The blow from Ms. Gospel is also said to “have knocked out two of Mr. Cass’s teeth,” although another customer in the store at that time claims that Ms. Gospel kicked Mr. Cass in the teeth while he lay unconscious on the floor.  The exact details are unclear as many of the employees were busy when the incident occurred.

Both Ms. Gospel and Mr. Cass have been fired by Target.  Ms. Gospel is currently being held on $10,000 bond on assault and battery charges in the Adams County Jail, and Mr. Cass is currently recovering from his injuries at Rose Medical Center in Denver, Colorado.  His injuries are reported to be a shattered testicle, a broken jaw and two missing teeth.

Ms. Gospel, however, is having trouble receiving legal representation, and may be forced into a court appointed attorney.  As one attorney, Joe Blunt, said, “Defending a devout Catholic at Christmas is far too polarizing.  I wish her the best of luck.  I will, however, happily defend Jack Cass.  I’ve always wanted to nail Target for wrongful termination.  I can see six figures in Mr. Cass’s future!”

On Monday, December 7, 2009, Target, known for its contentious policies towards Christians and Christmas in general, released a statement concerning the matter:

“Although what Mr. Jack Cass did was wrong, Target discourages the act of hiring Christians, largely because of their religiously fanatical beliefs.  Ms. Gospel is a great example of just that.  Christmas is widely known as a pagan holiday, and Mr. Cass was simply trying to adhere to those policies we have instituted so as not to offend anyone.  Ms. Gospel will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.”

With Ms. Gospel sitting in jail, who knows if the Gospel truth will ever see the light of day.

Las Vegas—As the debate rages on in the U.S. Senate on national healthcare, an unprecedented event is unfolding in American history.  The event has nothing to do with Barack Obama.  Instead, the Ultimate Fighting Championship® is promoting a bout that will determine the fate of both Americans born and unborn.

The purse contains nothing less than the liberty of every man, woman and child in the nation.  Its value is $1 trillion, and will be determined in the outcome of a fight that pits Harry “The Muscle” Reid against Mark “The Bulldog” Levin.  Reid claims that he will have victory on healthcare regardless of Levin’s nightly radio rants.  And he is putting that very title on the line going as far in saying that “he will take on that shyster anytime, anywhere!”

With Reid’s final slur, Levin accepted the challenge, knowing that he is carrying the fate of the American people in his hands.  However, he feels confident that he can whip Reid. So, the UFC® got involved, and the fight is set for December 25, 2009, in the Wachovia Spectrum in Philadelphia, in what is sure to keep people glued to televisions—not only in America—but across the globe.

Many are skeptical that Levin can take on Reid with his time tested and patented technique of muscling his opponents into getting what he wants.  But Las Vegas odds makers say that Reid won’t last three rounds in the ring with Levin, considered to be the hard punching battler out of Philadelphia.

Levin, of course, with his patented bulldog move—in which he drives the head of his opponents into the canvas rendering them unconscious—is sure to place Reid in that very position.  And to finish that move, he leaves a copy of the U.S. Constitution on their chests.

But Reid is undaunted.  “I am going to destroy this man in his very hometown,” bragged Reid.  “Embarrass him in front of his friends and family.  Because the only thing more fun than beating up on Christians at Christmas, is kicking the crap out of a Jew, especially a Jew lawyer!”

Levin, who wasn’t going to sit by and take Reid’s anti-Semitic remarks, stated “that he was going to beat him within an inch of his life.”

“There isn’t going to be a quick knockout,” fired Levin.  “I’m going to torture him, crucify him.  I’m going to beat that man like no man has ever been beat, and in the process, give the American people the greatest gift they could receive at Christmas…their liberty!”

The tension continues to grow till fight night as the mainstream media favors Reid.  Still, more and more people are lining up in support of Levin, despite his health condition.  Even Chris Davis, a 41-year old truck driver from Phoenix, Arizona, is optimistic about Levin’s chances.

“I hope the odds makers are wrong and Levin makes this bout long and painful,” opined Davis.  “Seeing Harry Reid in agony on the canvas would make me utterly orgasmic.  It’s time to win one for ‘The Gipper,’ ‘Great One.’”

“I’m putting $100,000 on Levin in one round,” remarked an enthusiastic Rush Limbaugh.  “He is, after all, a bare knuckles brawler for freedom.  I think when he gets in the ring he won’t be able to contain himself and unload on Reid.”

When asked about his predictions for the fight, Levin only replied, “Pain.”

Rush Hudson Limbaugh III

New York—In a stunning show of support for Rush Limbaugh, the National Football League™ has decided to sue Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson for $300 million in libel over his ousting in a bid to buy the St. Louis Rams.

Sharpton and Jackson, who led the charge in spreading slanderous and libelous racist statements, are now going to have to pay for their thuggish tactics in agitating the mainstream media, the sports media and Americans in general.

NFL Commissioner, Roger Goodell, is spearheading the lawsuit, realizing his egregious error in the generation of revenue that only Rush Limbaugh could’ve added to the National Football League™.

“I would like to personally apologize to Rush Limbaugh,” stated Commissioner Goodell.  “I had no idea that Rush had that much talent.  His talent is utterly stunning.  Any man that has an ability to generate a minimum of $300 million for the National Football League™ deserves the most profound of apologies.  We’ve run the numbers and the numbers don’t lie.  I now fully prostrate myself at his feet!  And since we can’t get it from Limbaugh, now we’ll get it from Sharpton and Jackson.”

When asked to comment, Sharpton noted that “it’s typical of how white America has suppressed the African American people for the last two hundred plus years.”

“When any league backs a racist,” claimed Sharpton, “it can only be for one reason: racism!  The monetary claims are just part of the broader conspiracy of the man keeping us down, forcing the African American community to struggle in the ghetto!”

Hundreds of sports writers and mainstream media types agree that Rush Limbaugh is a racist, despite the fact that he has an African American employed on his staff. 

But millions of Americans wonder just how racist someone could be that believes in the success of the United States of America, and those that drive it–something the lawsuit will certainly determine.

When asked for a comment about Limbaugh’s employing a black man, the Reverend Jackson said, “I know Limbaugh claims that ‘Snerdley is a call screener,’ but maybe someone should ask Mr. Snerdley what kind of shoe polish Mr. Limbaugh likes on his shoes, or if he uses turtle wax on his limousines.  The man is a racist.  Period.  If he’s a conservative, he’s a racist.  That’s just how it is.  No token black man is going to change that.”

“I don’t care what Sharpton and Jackson say,” added Commissioner Goodell.  “This is about money, and nothing tops $300 million dollars.  So I hope they have some deep pockets.”

When asked to comment on the lawsuit, Rush Limbaugh simply replied, “Mmmm…Mmmm…Mmmm!”

Concepts by L

Wasilla, AK—Frustrated with the utter incompetence, tyranny and stupidity coming out of Congress and the White House, Sarah Palin has decided to become a community organizer.  She has plans to form her own organization, calling it P.A.C.O.R.N. (Palin’s Association of Community Organizations for Reform Now).

The initial organization will kick off in Wasilla, Alaska, followed by organizations in Spokane, San Diego, Houston, Palm Beach, Washington, and New York.  As the numbers continue to grow, there is no end in sight for P.A.C.O.R.N.  Already, many in the conservative world have signed on to help grow the organization.

“I can’t think of a better idea than to cram their own organization down their liberal throats,” stated a gleeful Mark Levin.  “We’ve got to clean up this country from these twisted, perverted statists…and I’m sick of them!”

“The EIB Network loves Sarah Palin,” adds Rush Limbaugh.  “There’s nothing quite like a strong, conservative woman to help fuel a conservative rise to power.  So sign me up ASAP!”

“If I have to have her on my television and radio program every day,” claims Sean Hannity, “then that’s what I’ll do.  We’re not about to let the United States of America go the way of Russia.  We love this country too much!”

Many have speculated as to just how this new organization will fare in America.  With the Democrats in control of Congress and the White House, and claims that conservatism is dead, will Americans truly embrace it?

“Not only do I think Americans will embrace it,” fires Sarah Palin, “but I think it will be a home run for conservatism and America.  Am I going to use taxpayer dollars to kick liberal ass from one side of this country to the next?  You betcha!”

Concepts by L

Washington, D.C.—With the stupidity coming out of Congress, the frustration mounting across the fruited planes, and the censuring of Joe Wilson, Mark Levin and Joe Wilson, R-SC, are offering a new bill for Americans: ‘Cash For Congressional Clunkers.’  The bill is offering a tax rebate for any Congressional Clunkers that are turned in for new ones in 2010. 

According to Mark Levin, teaming up with Joe Wilson only seemed the appropriate thing to do, considering “the levels of insanity that are running rampant throughout Congress today.”

“This bill will give Americans an opportunity to take their country back from the tyranny in today’s Congress,” claimed Levin.  “Not only do you get the satisfaction of booting out your worthless Congressman, but you get money back as well.  Now that’s the kind of deal you can’t pass up.”

“President Obama’s a liar, Reid’s a liar, Pelosi’s a liar,” fired Wilson, “and I can think of no better way to get the rift raft out of Congress than in sponsoring this bill.  I know the American people won’t let me down.”

Levin and Wilson plan on running ads in support of the bill this fall.  They have contacted the Sham Wow® guy—Vince Shlomi—to help them pitch their bill to the American people.  The commercials are reported to air in this manner:

As a flag waves across the capitol building, the voice of Vince Shlomi says:

Is your Congressman as worthless as teets on a bore hog?  Do you wonder if your Congressman even lives in the United States of America?  Would you rather be bludgeoned to death than to be represented by your current Congressman?

If you answered yes to any of the above questions, then you need to support ‘Cash For Congressional Clunkers!’  Not only does this give you the satisfaction of sending your Congressman back home disgraced in defeat, but you benefit economically from it as well.  It’s a win/win situation for all Americans.  But don’t just listen to me, listen to many satisfied Americans that have signed on in support:

“I used to live in constant fear of my liberty,” adds Christy from Long Island, New York, “but since I signed on to support ‘Cash For Congressional Clunkers,’ I’ve never felt more at peace in my life.  I know that sending my piece of human debris for a Congressman home, I’ll be able to pursue happiness without Congressional interference.”

“I’d like to horse whip my particular Congressman,” states Don from Carnegie, Pennsylvania, “but since I can’t legally do that, I’ll just have to settle for laughing at him when he loses on election night in 2010.  Thanks for giving me that opportunity ‘Cash For Congressional Clunkers.’”

Don’t hesitate!  Sign on in support of the bill now!  Give yourself the satisfaction of kicking your sorry Congressman’s ass out of office!  You will relish every agonizing moment of their defeat!  So call now!

Concepts by irishman

New York—In a show of dissatisfaction with the reporting from the mainstream media, new Tea Parties are now being formed to march on the headquarters of ABC, CBS, NBC and CNN.  Smaller parties are also being formed to march on the New York Times and various papers that misreported the numbers of people showing up in Washington, D.C., Saturday, June 13, 2009.

So, in an act of American solidarity, tens of thousands of protestors and dump trucks will march on each network headquarters building, dumping 500,000 pounds of cow manure in each parking lot.  The total manure dumped will equal the total number of people that attended the Tea Party in Washington, D.C.—2 million pounds.

The organization responsible—A.A.I.R. (Americans Against Irresponsible Reporting)—have had enough of the lies and deceit that has permeated the airwaves across the United States of America.

President of A.A.I.R. John Stool is fed up with the network news reporting, and has long since abandoned watching television for his news coverage.  “Our media has long ago abandoned investigative reporting and gone in the tank for liberals,” claimed Stool.  “So on November 26, 2009, we are going to give them what they have been giving us for years…truckloads of crap.  Dump it right on their front lawn.”

In order to pay for this, A.A.I.R. is asking for donations.  They do note that the donation is taxable deduction, and that it will also give you a feeling of satisfaction in knowing that you were instrumental in having a truckload of crap dumped on your most hated news network.

“When I heard the great news,” stated an excited James Von Schtoop, “I wrote a check for $500 dollars out to A.A.I.R.  I can’t wait to see truck loads of cow manure dumped in the parking lot of ABC, CBS, NBC and CNN.  I hear FOX news is even going to air the event live!”

“I personally salute the cow farmers of America for their donation,” said Marie Smith, an unemployed advertising executive.  “Feces should be placed right at home with the network news.”

Donations to A.A.I.R. can be mailed to:

A.A.I.R.

2635 Nonesuch Blvd.

Washington, D.C. 20005

Or call 1-800-555-CRAP and speak to one of our donation representatives.

Concepts by right way, Fiddle, Allegra

Cleveland—Despite Adrian Peterson’s 285 yards rushing in the Minnesota Viking’s win over the Cleveland Browns on Sunday, September 13, 2009, many complaints have now surfaced from Cleveland defenders that were tripping over Brett Favre’s walker.  Even Adrian Peterson had some issues after tripping over it himself several times in the first half of Sunday’s game.

“I know Favre’s an ageless quarterback,” claimed Peterson, “but the walker has got to go.  It’s holding me back.  Every time he drops back to hand the ball off, I trip over the damn thing.”

Currently, the Browns are petitioning the league to have the walker removed when Favre is on the playing field, but many in the media insists that it is only “fair” that a player of his advanced age is allowed the necessary tools to compete in today’s game—continuing a love affair that seemingly will never end.

“The walker must stay,” declared Peter King.  “I hope he never retires.  Every time he drops back to pass I have an orgasm!”

“He does add another dimension to our offense,” added Peterson.  “It’s something we’ve never had around here.  All he has to do is stick that walker out there when he’s going to get sacked and it trips up the pass rusher.  And that means I have to block less.”

“I know it’s all about Favre,” said Cleveland Browns Head Coach Eric Mangini, “but the walker is taking it too far.  I know we want to try to make things fair, but it’s all fun and games till somebody loses an eye, and that’s just what that walker could do.  Maybe it’s time Favre hung it up.”

“You never saw me out there with a walker,” stated Hall of Fame quarterback Troy Aikman.  “Even when I was throwing bricks and hobbling around, I just looked bad.  I never resorted to the use of a walker.  It has to go.  What’s next…a motorized wheel chair?”

Concepts by Caveman

Washington, D.C.—After his outburst during Obama’s speech on healthcare reform, Rep. Joe Wilson, R-SC, will be taken to an Acorn re-education camp “to get his mind right on healthcare reform.”

Even though Joe Wilson publicly apologized to President Obama, the administration—as well as many in Congress—believe that more strident efforts must be made to convince Republicans in Congress that healthcare reform is good for America.

“You can never waste the opportunities you have in a crisis,” stated Chief Of Staff Rahm Emmanuel.  “We need to make an example of Republicans that try to advance liberty, and Joe Wilson will be our first example for all Americans to see.”

“I’m with Emmanuel,” added Pelosi.  “Freshman congressmen like Joe Wilson just need to keep their mouths shut or pay the price.  Well, he’s going to pay the price.”

“The time for debate is over,” declared David Axelrod.  “We’re going to have to get rough, and everyone knows the Republican Party is as spineless as they come.  We’ll also be happy to send anyone who agrees with Joe Wilson to these camps as well.”

The ACORN camp is reportedly somewhere east of Atlanta along Interstate 20 in an undisclosed location.  The camp is built in the fashion of the old Soviet-Era Gulags where water boarding will be readily practiced.

“I strongly oppose water boarding,” fired Pelosi, “but this is one of those rare occasions where it is needed.  The next person that needs some re-education is Mark Levin.  I’m sick and tired of him preaching on liberty.  He needs to seriously contemplate retirement, or get a little Guantanamo Bay treatment.”