Elective Decisions

Rush Hudson Limbaugh III

New York—In a stunning show of support for Rush Limbaugh, the National Football League™ has decided to sue Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson for $300 million in libel over his ousting in a bid to buy the St. Louis Rams.

Sharpton and Jackson, who led the charge in spreading slanderous and libelous racist statements, are now going to have to pay for their thuggish tactics in agitating the mainstream media, the sports media and Americans in general.

NFL Commissioner, Roger Goodell, is spearheading the lawsuit, realizing his egregious error in the generation of revenue that only Rush Limbaugh could’ve added to the National Football League™.

“I would like to personally apologize to Rush Limbaugh,” stated Commissioner Goodell.  “I had no idea that Rush had that much talent.  His talent is utterly stunning.  Any man that has an ability to generate a minimum of $300 million for the National Football League™ deserves the most profound of apologies.  We’ve run the numbers and the numbers don’t lie.  I now fully prostrate myself at his feet!  And since we can’t get it from Limbaugh, now we’ll get it from Sharpton and Jackson.”

When asked to comment, Sharpton noted that “it’s typical of how white America has suppressed the African American people for the last two hundred plus years.”

“When any league backs a racist,” claimed Sharpton, “it can only be for one reason: racism!  The monetary claims are just part of the broader conspiracy of the man keeping us down, forcing the African American community to struggle in the ghetto!”

Hundreds of sports writers and mainstream media types agree that Rush Limbaugh is a racist, despite the fact that he has an African American employed on his staff. 

But millions of Americans wonder just how racist someone could be that believes in the success of the United States of America, and those that drive it–something the lawsuit will certainly determine.

When asked for a comment about Limbaugh’s employing a black man, the Reverend Jackson said, “I know Limbaugh claims that ‘Snerdley is a call screener,’ but maybe someone should ask Mr. Snerdley what kind of shoe polish Mr. Limbaugh likes on his shoes, or if he uses turtle wax on his limousines.  The man is a racist.  Period.  If he’s a conservative, he’s a racist.  That’s just how it is.  No token black man is going to change that.”

“I don’t care what Sharpton and Jackson say,” added Commissioner Goodell.  “This is about money, and nothing tops $300 million dollars.  So I hope they have some deep pockets.”

When asked to comment on the lawsuit, Rush Limbaugh simply replied, “Mmmm…Mmmm…Mmmm!”

Concepts by L

Wasilla, AK—Frustrated with the utter incompetence, tyranny and stupidity coming out of Congress and the White House, Sarah Palin has decided to become a community organizer.  She has plans to form her own organization, calling it P.A.C.O.R.N. (Palin’s Association of Community Organizations for Reform Now).

The initial organization will kick off in Wasilla, Alaska, followed by organizations in Spokane, San Diego, Houston, Palm Beach, Washington, and New York.  As the numbers continue to grow, there is no end in sight for P.A.C.O.R.N.  Already, many in the conservative world have signed on to help grow the organization.

“I can’t think of a better idea than to cram their own organization down their liberal throats,” stated a gleeful Mark Levin.  “We’ve got to clean up this country from these twisted, perverted statists…and I’m sick of them!”

“The EIB Network loves Sarah Palin,” adds Rush Limbaugh.  “There’s nothing quite like a strong, conservative woman to help fuel a conservative rise to power.  So sign me up ASAP!”

“If I have to have her on my television and radio program every day,” claims Sean Hannity, “then that’s what I’ll do.  We’re not about to let the United States of America go the way of Russia.  We love this country too much!”

Many have speculated as to just how this new organization will fare in America.  With the Democrats in control of Congress and the White House, and claims that conservatism is dead, will Americans truly embrace it?

“Not only do I think Americans will embrace it,” fires Sarah Palin, “but I think it will be a home run for conservatism and America.  Am I going to use taxpayer dollars to kick liberal ass from one side of this country to the next?  You betcha!”

Concepts by L

Washington, D.C.—With the stupidity coming out of Congress, the frustration mounting across the fruited planes, and the censuring of Joe Wilson, Mark Levin and Joe Wilson, R-SC, are offering a new bill for Americans: ‘Cash For Congressional Clunkers.’  The bill is offering a tax rebate for any Congressional Clunkers that are turned in for new ones in 2010. 

According to Mark Levin, teaming up with Joe Wilson only seemed the appropriate thing to do, considering “the levels of insanity that are running rampant throughout Congress today.”

“This bill will give Americans an opportunity to take their country back from the tyranny in today’s Congress,” claimed Levin.  “Not only do you get the satisfaction of booting out your worthless Congressman, but you get money back as well.  Now that’s the kind of deal you can’t pass up.”

“President Obama’s a liar, Reid’s a liar, Pelosi’s a liar,” fired Wilson, “and I can think of no better way to get the rift raft out of Congress than in sponsoring this bill.  I know the American people won’t let me down.”

Levin and Wilson plan on running ads in support of the bill this fall.  They have contacted the Sham Wow® guy—Vince Shlomi—to help them pitch their bill to the American people.  The commercials are reported to air in this manner:

As a flag waves across the capitol building, the voice of Vince Shlomi says:

Is your Congressman as worthless as teets on a bore hog?  Do you wonder if your Congressman even lives in the United States of America?  Would you rather be bludgeoned to death than to be represented by your current Congressman?

If you answered yes to any of the above questions, then you need to support ‘Cash For Congressional Clunkers!’  Not only does this give you the satisfaction of sending your Congressman back home disgraced in defeat, but you benefit economically from it as well.  It’s a win/win situation for all Americans.  But don’t just listen to me, listen to many satisfied Americans that have signed on in support:

“I used to live in constant fear of my liberty,” adds Christy from Long Island, New York, “but since I signed on to support ‘Cash For Congressional Clunkers,’ I’ve never felt more at peace in my life.  I know that sending my piece of human debris for a Congressman home, I’ll be able to pursue happiness without Congressional interference.”

“I’d like to horse whip my particular Congressman,” states Don from Carnegie, Pennsylvania, “but since I can’t legally do that, I’ll just have to settle for laughing at him when he loses on election night in 2010.  Thanks for giving me that opportunity ‘Cash For Congressional Clunkers.’”

Don’t hesitate!  Sign on in support of the bill now!  Give yourself the satisfaction of kicking your sorry Congressman’s ass out of office!  You will relish every agonizing moment of their defeat!  So call now!

Concepts by irishman

New York—In a show of dissatisfaction with the reporting from the mainstream media, new Tea Parties are now being formed to march on the headquarters of ABC, CBS, NBC and CNN.  Smaller parties are also being formed to march on the New York Times and various papers that misreported the numbers of people showing up in Washington, D.C., Saturday, June 13, 2009.

So, in an act of American solidarity, tens of thousands of protestors and dump trucks will march on each network headquarters building, dumping 500,000 pounds of cow manure in each parking lot.  The total manure dumped will equal the total number of people that attended the Tea Party in Washington, D.C.—2 million pounds.

The organization responsible—A.A.I.R. (Americans Against Irresponsible Reporting)—have had enough of the lies and deceit that has permeated the airwaves across the United States of America.

President of A.A.I.R. John Stool is fed up with the network news reporting, and has long since abandoned watching television for his news coverage.  “Our media has long ago abandoned investigative reporting and gone in the tank for liberals,” claimed Stool.  “So on November 26, 2009, we are going to give them what they have been giving us for years…truckloads of crap.  Dump it right on their front lawn.”

In order to pay for this, A.A.I.R. is asking for donations.  They do note that the donation is taxable deduction, and that it will also give you a feeling of satisfaction in knowing that you were instrumental in having a truckload of crap dumped on your most hated news network.

“When I heard the great news,” stated an excited James Von Schtoop, “I wrote a check for $500 dollars out to A.A.I.R.  I can’t wait to see truck loads of cow manure dumped in the parking lot of ABC, CBS, NBC and CNN.  I hear FOX news is even going to air the event live!”

“I personally salute the cow farmers of America for their donation,” said Marie Smith, an unemployed advertising executive.  “Feces should be placed right at home with the network news.”

Donations to A.A.I.R. can be mailed to:

A.A.I.R.

2635 Nonesuch Blvd.

Washington, D.C. 20005

Or call 1-800-555-CRAP and speak to one of our donation representatives.

Concepts by right way, Fiddle, Allegra

Cleveland—Despite Adrian Peterson’s 285 yards rushing in the Minnesota Viking’s win over the Cleveland Browns on Sunday, September 13, 2009, many complaints have now surfaced from Cleveland defenders that were tripping over Brett Favre’s walker.  Even Adrian Peterson had some issues after tripping over it himself several times in the first half of Sunday’s game.

“I know Favre’s an ageless quarterback,” claimed Peterson, “but the walker has got to go.  It’s holding me back.  Every time he drops back to hand the ball off, I trip over the damn thing.”

Currently, the Browns are petitioning the league to have the walker removed when Favre is on the playing field, but many in the media insists that it is only “fair” that a player of his advanced age is allowed the necessary tools to compete in today’s game—continuing a love affair that seemingly will never end.

“The walker must stay,” declared Peter King.  “I hope he never retires.  Every time he drops back to pass I have an orgasm!”

“He does add another dimension to our offense,” added Peterson.  “It’s something we’ve never had around here.  All he has to do is stick that walker out there when he’s going to get sacked and it trips up the pass rusher.  And that means I have to block less.”

“I know it’s all about Favre,” said Cleveland Browns Head Coach Eric Mangini, “but the walker is taking it too far.  I know we want to try to make things fair, but it’s all fun and games till somebody loses an eye, and that’s just what that walker could do.  Maybe it’s time Favre hung it up.”

“You never saw me out there with a walker,” stated Hall of Fame quarterback Troy Aikman.  “Even when I was throwing bricks and hobbling around, I just looked bad.  I never resorted to the use of a walker.  It has to go.  What’s next…a motorized wheel chair?”

Concepts by Caveman

Washington, D.C.—After his outburst during Obama’s speech on healthcare reform, Rep. Joe Wilson, R-SC, will be taken to an Acorn re-education camp “to get his mind right on healthcare reform.”

Even though Joe Wilson publicly apologized to President Obama, the administration—as well as many in Congress—believe that more strident efforts must be made to convince Republicans in Congress that healthcare reform is good for America.

“You can never waste the opportunities you have in a crisis,” stated Chief Of Staff Rahm Emmanuel.  “We need to make an example of Republicans that try to advance liberty, and Joe Wilson will be our first example for all Americans to see.”

“I’m with Emmanuel,” added Pelosi.  “Freshman congressmen like Joe Wilson just need to keep their mouths shut or pay the price.  Well, he’s going to pay the price.”

“The time for debate is over,” declared David Axelrod.  “We’re going to have to get rough, and everyone knows the Republican Party is as spineless as they come.  We’ll also be happy to send anyone who agrees with Joe Wilson to these camps as well.”

The ACORN camp is reportedly somewhere east of Atlanta along Interstate 20 in an undisclosed location.  The camp is built in the fashion of the old Soviet-Era Gulags where water boarding will be readily practiced.

“I strongly oppose water boarding,” fired Pelosi, “but this is one of those rare occasions where it is needed.  The next person that needs some re-education is Mark Levin.  I’m sick and tired of him preaching on liberty.  He needs to seriously contemplate retirement, or get a little Guantanamo Bay treatment.”

It was twin betrayal night at the presser of President Obama. First his beloved wife Michelle and then his newest Best Friend Forever, TOTUS, gave bad advice and even worse guidance.

You see, during preparation for the conference Obama asked Michelle to check the “tonsils” statement, the one that accused the good pediatricians of America of feathering their bed with high-priced procedures off the reimbursement list. She saw the words about list-checking and said, “yes, that was the way we selected patients at my hospital and no doubt those miserable doctors do the same.” The line stayed in and the reverberations can still be heard.

The failure of TOTUS, the Teleprompter Of The United States, was devastating, though. Every version of TOTUS software since service pack 1 had programming for the third cardinal rule of teleprompting:

“3) when the words ‘I do not know the details’ are to be displayed, they MUST be followed by the phrase ‘so I will not comment any further.’”

Obviously this was not the case Wednesday evening when the President launched into a racial diatribe, slapping down his King to Harvard professor’s lead of the Ace of Race Card trumps.

When consulted by FOX News for an expert opinion, President George W Bush’s prompter had two explanations for the breakdown. “First,” the prompter displayed on the crawl line, “someone could have failed to plug in the prompter’s location and let it default to Chicago. This was a problem with that model; they always were twitchy about message-framing for locale.”

When asked if there were any other explanations, the Bush prompter displayed “[sigh], there is that executive override button under the right hand edge of the podium. Perhaps POTUS in his glee at the hanging curve ball of a question made the fatal mistake and pushed the reset button. I think it was Hillary who installed it, by the way.”

So there you have it, sports fans, President Obama can rightfully say that it was the fault of his loved ones and walk away to presser another day.

     Extraneous Wind reporting.

New York—Even though Palin’s exodus has the media buzzing, there is a quiet whisper in the northeast that this could lead to a 2012 Presidential bid for the White House.  Throughout the halls of Harvard and Yale, and in the Washington D.C. beltway, a growing apprehension is turning into fear.

For many “conservatives” inside the beltway, Palin’s resignation as Governor of Alaska means only one thing: hoedowns at the White House.  This, of course, would be acceptable only to the rubes that occupy flyover country—the same kind of Americans that dared to elect Ronald Reagan and advocate for the social conservative cause, an unmitigated disaster for all things fine in life.

As the silence continues from Palin, “conservatives” in the northeast are scared out of their wits.  Not only does she no longer have the Republican Party to keep her “in line,” but now she can drum up support amongst the “natives,” sitting down to eat grits with southerners, going hunting and fishing with hicks in the Midwest, and worst yet: frequenting sites like Free Republic—an internet site that makes even the brightest of Harvard intellectuals feel as though a veil of shame has been draped over them.

“Her attire is ghastly,” cackled Peggy Noonan.  “She is a fashion train wreck, and doesn’t she have something like twenty children?  It’s awful to think of her in our White House…it baffles the mind.”

“What’s even scarier to think about,” commented New York Times Columnist David Brooks, “is that she might even serve Sloppy Joe’s at a cocktail party.  Not to mention, she fishes and hunts.  Oh, God, now I need a Martini.”

“This woman could tear down the entire Republican Party,” said Joe Bankston III.  “She practically has no money, her husband works for a living, and she’s admitted that she’s a protestant.  And you’re out with three strikes as far as I’m concerned.”

“Every time we talk about her at cocktail parties,” stated Andrew Sullivan, “the movie Deliverance comes up.  It would be as if we had the television show Hee Haw on display for the rest of the world.  And to make matters worse…she’s pro life.  Dear God help us all!”

 “I’m afraid I fear the worst,” added Peggy Noonan.  “All she needs is Buck Owens and a banjo.  The thought of that makes me queasy.  All one needs to say when talking about Ms. Palin is that she is liked by Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity and Mark Levin, and that gets a belly full of laughter at a cocktail party. God almighty!  Where have all the good “conservatives” gone?  Too bad Arnold Schwarzenegger isn’t a native born citizen.  He’s the sort of strapping individual we need.”

Carol Stream, IL—Ron Bellarsky once lived a normal, happy life, going to work and home on a daily basis.  But lately, Ron has been distracted.  Far too distracted to go to work, take care of his kids or even get a good night’s sleep.  It isn’t Barack Obama prancing through Russia that has him distracted.  It’s Sarah Palin and her resignation that has left an ugly scar on his world.

At least that’s what Bellarsky claims.  He says that she’s interrupted the smooth flow of every day life, and “that she needs to just go away to help bring all things back into focus.”

“This is ridiculous,” claimed Bellarsky.  “I haven’t had a good night’s sleep since July 2^nd.  Can’t she just go away without all the press coverage?  She ruined my entire life and destroyed my July 4^th holiday.  Stop the insanity!”

Once a mild mannered postal employee, Bellarsky continues to suffer under the Palin speculation and constant media coverage.  “It was an awful experience,” stated Bellarsky.  “I went into work on Monday, and I couldn’t even sort the mail.  I just shrunk into a corner and started sobbing uncontrollably.”

“He has improved,” added Barabara Bellarsky.  “Since the shock therapy, he doesn’t sit there and drool anymore.  I can see hope and change on the horizon.  Now if we can just get that Michael Jackson out of the news, life would be wonderful!”

As pundits, media and Americans at water coolers continue to speculate on Palin, psychiatrists everywhere wonder just how many Americans will suffer the same fate as Ron Bellarsky.

Washington—Having had enough of Limbaugh’s criticism of Colin Powell, Tom Ridge laid down the gauntlet on Rush Limbaugh, evicting him from the Republican Party.  The event took place after the interview on CSPAN’s Washington Journal where Ridge took a strong stance, supporting Colin Powell and blaming Limbaugh and Dick Cheney for having “a mindset,” that doesn’t foster unity.

Rush Limbaugh responded in like kind, saying, “I must have missed something, because I remember that Colin Powell endorsed the Democrat, Barack Obama, at a strategic point in the campaign in 2008.  And then he went out later and said, ‘Americans want more spending, bigger government, and higher taxes,’ before California threw that one in the trash.”

So this morning, Ridge went back on Washington Journal, responding to Limbaugh’s rhetoric.  “I’m so sick of Rush Limbaugh.  He’s the reason we lose elections.  He needs to get the hell out of the Republican Party.  As far as I’m concerned, he isn’t a Republican anymore.  The man’s running.  The man’s hiding.  He’s too scared to face me!”

Ridge continued his rant, threatening Limbaugh.  “Meanwhile, he sits there in his ‘Southern Command Post,’ and destroys the Republican Party!  I’d like to just have three rounds in a boxing ring with that guy so I could shut him up!  I’m caling you out, Limbaugh.  Let’s see if you have a big enough set of marbles to back up your crap!”